


Where Else Would I Be?

by tragicallyidiotic



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angel Evan, Connor's trying his best, Evan's still an impulsive liar and a mess but he's trying too, I had no idea what I was doing at the beginning but eventually get my act together, I try to make this really fluffy, I'm still ao3 illiterate but trying my best, M/M, Self-Indulgent, Slow Burn, Slow To Update, Suicide Attempts, They talk things out, This was Wail Through The Willows but I didn't like the name, for now, suicide is mentioned like right away I warned you, supportive friends are the best friends, woah angst maybe
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-16
Updated: 2019-09-09
Packaged: 2019-10-11 10:45:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 15
Words: 38,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17445431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tragicallyidiotic/pseuds/tragicallyidiotic
Summary: When an angel falls in a forest, leaving his arm caught in a bear trap for days on end until Connor Murphy shows up to help him out, Evan Hansen takes it upon himself to be his guardian angel.But that decision ends up causing more harm than good.





	1. Chapter 1

It hurt. It hurt so much, he couldn't move, he couldn't move. He had never felt such pain before-- granted, up there, physical pain wasn't exactly a thing but-

His moving was constricted, around his arm was some sort of metal contraption, holding his arm captive within its unforgiving teeth.

He couldn't believe that this was happening, this wasn't how it was supposed to turn out. He was just so tired and done with it all, and heard rumors of falling angels from heaven that never returned, who were never heard from again. 

When Evan Hansen heard that, he assumed it meant they had died, finally ceased to exist. Managed to end it in a painless manner. But no, it turned out. He was going to stay here, trapped, alone with his thoughts and his arm and oh my god there was so much blood helphelphelp

He began to sob, tears involuntarily streaming from his eyes. This wasn't fair. Life wasn't fair. He was a strange, winged being, in the land of humans, he believed they were called. And honestly? He hadn't heard too many good things about this place, but he'd happily go back, ignore his crippling anxiety, and scream out to everyone else about how wrong they were and that humans were good if one just walked by and-- he cut his thoughts off with a bitter laugh. One can only dream, right?

The rumors he heard of humans were tales that parents would tell to their children to keep them from misbehaving, and he just really, really hoped that everyone was over exaggerating, and that he was not going to be killed, experimented on, or whatever freaky thing that they could think of. 

God, he really just hoped that his mom really wouldn't miss him, just like he'd thought she wouldn't before he jumped. Evan would gladly jump again and make sure he'd do it right if his own mother ended up risking her life for his sake. He was nearly an adult now, right? So, he needed to learn how to grow up, and now was the time.

His own lectures to himself were cut off with a sudden feel of dizziness, the world was spinning, and his mind felt distant-- like his thoughts were there, but they were smothered, silenced, unclear. And then, his eyes were heavy, and it was dark.

 

Hours were quick to become days, and with days, a week passed by. Each added more suffering, and he just wanted to go home. 

Home. It almost felt like a distant memory now. How long had it been? A few days? It felt like years ago. Evan had been so caught up in thinking about how much pain he was in that he nearly forgot the reason he was here was because he decided that home would be a better place without him there.

Maybe, just maybe, he could fly. The only problem with that idea is he wasn't strong enough anymore. His stomach growled and his throat was dry. The insane lack of blood wasn't helping with his situation either. So, as quickly as the thought had come up, Evan shut it down. There was no use. He was going to get what he was going for originally, sure, but he was having second thoughts, and this was quite possibly one of the most painful ways to die. 

He let out a sigh, titling his head back to look up above him. Partially to think of how far from home he was, but he didn't want to dwell on that, so he tried focusing on the magnificent green trees that surrounded him, almost covering the sky. From above, they were pleasant to look at, but here? They were amazing. 

At least he could die in a beautiful place.

With that, he allowed himself to fall asleep again. Sleeping was the only thing keeping him from having a panic attack so intense that he'd just die of a heart attack right then and there. 

However, before sleep could take him, he heard footsteps, and they were getting closer and oh no wait he wasn't ready to die he wasn't ready to die please not yet he didn't want to be thrown into a lab or used for sexual pleasure he just wanted to go home please please please.

He curled in on himself the best he could with a bear trap clinging to his arm, wings wrapped around himself protectively-- it may not have been the brightest idea, but they were going to be seen sooner or later, and he wasn't exactly in the right state of mind to be thinking logically. Breathing was becoming difficult and his heart was speeding up and suddenly it was so loud and everything was loud and he just wanted it to stop- 

 

“What the fuck?”

 

Evan only responded with a wince, trying to scoot as far away from the voice as the bear trap that held his arm hostage would allow him to go-- which, unsurprisingly, wasn't very far, and did little to nothing.

“What the fuck?” He repeated. And this time, Evan did look up. He met eyes with a very tall, very uh, you know what? He actually had no idea what emotion he saw, it looked like a cross between confusion and pure anger, which was.. weird. Humans were definitely weird, he decided.

Then again, with using the logic Evan had just used, he himself should be in a padded room. So really, he had no right to judge the human that stood before him, yet.

Slowly, he brought his wings from his body, stretching them out as he uncurled himself, mutely gesturing to his arm.

There was a silence that sat between them, as the stranger's eyes wandered to the direction in which he gestured, before he just, froze, paling at the sight. Evan eventually glanced back at it and sighed. Yeah, okay, that was a lot of blood, and by a lot, he meant like, a lot.

“What are you?” The man asked, stepping closer to Evan, a hand reaching out to him, before Evan yelped, devouring himself in a blanket of wings, and he heard him take a step back.

Being an angel, he was only slightly familiar with the language the tall man was speaking, and after what felt like an entire five minutes of him just trying to decipher what was being asked of him, he gestured to the sky.

And once again, the other followed his gesture, and once more, silence that followed. Instead of speech interrupting it this time around, there was laughter, and then speech.

“Holy fuck, an angel? Damn, whatever this new dealer hooked me up with is unbelievable oh my god. Dude, this shit might kill me before I even get the chance to do that to myself.” Another laugh, it was more empty, more lifeless, forced. 

Evan only cocked his head to the side, opening his mouth to speak.

“Angel,” he nodded, gesturing to himself. “Fell, far from home. Help.”

If Evan had to sit through one more silence he was going to have a full blown anxiety attack and spend however longer he had to live just crying because this was stressful oh my god why was he doing this? Was this a mind game? Oh what if it was wait nononono he was so stupid.

“Fuck,” he breathed, shaking his head. The tall man sat down next to him, running a hand through his tangled hair, before tugging at it. From what Evan could tell, he was stressed. Yeah, that was fair. Evan was stressed too. “God fucking damnit.” He muttered, and stood up again. This time, he walked off without another word, and Evan's eyes were flooded with tears again and the panic was there and he distantly told himself that he was hyperventilating and that wasn't good but oh no the tall human was going to go grab all his human friends and they'd all have a bonfire and take turns roasting him because he heard that humans liked to do that because it was trendy or whatever and--

And then the tall man came back with a stick, leaning next to the trap and bringing it to himself. Evan let out a whimper and the tall man paused, staring at him for a moment, before getting back to work- trying to pry the godforsaken death trap off of his definitely broken arm.

Evan should be feeling relieved right now, he really should, but no, his anxiety clearly had other plans-- which were, of course, to make his life as miserable and as full of panic as possible. This tall man was going to free him, trick Evan into thinking he could escape, and drag him somewhere terrible oh no oh no oh no.

He began flapping violently, trying to shoo him away, unable to keep himself from crying out as the unforgiving teeth gradually dragged along his arm, causing himself to start bleeding again.

“I- fuck! Look, I just,” The man stepped back, throwing the stick onto the ground with a grumble. If it wasn't obvious enough to Evan already, this would have definitely confirmed that, of his assumptions, his guess that he was angry was definitely correct.

“Stay still, I don't need the blood of some bird thing on my hands, there's no way even I could handle that kind of guilt.” He inhaled deeply, he looked as if he was deciding what words he should continue with. “Let me get you out, patch you up, and both continue with our shitty lives, yeah?”

Evan's head hurt from trying to piece together what words he did know with the words that sounded vaguely familiar. If he had to compare it to anything, it would be trying to solve a puzzle when you were missing the corner pieces-- sure, it wasn't impossible, but it made everything way more difficult than it needed to be. So, he made makeshift “corner pieces” or, in other words, he relied heavily on the man's facial expressions and body language to help fill in any blanks that left his understanding of whatever was said.

The tall man seemed tense, but Evan could almost, almost say confidently that he was trying to calm down. He nodded, eyes going to his own arm, then back to the other.

..would it be too rude to ask for a name? He was distantly afraid of humans referring to something so out of the ordinary that Evan, although he probably could comprehend it with practice, would not have any motivation to because, because-- 

He shook his head (which earned him a weird glance from the tall man) as if to rid it of the thoughts running through it, or, at least to turn the volume down for now, put his worries to the side for just a second. Curiosity was getting the best of him.

Slowly, he gestured to himself once more, which earned him a weird look from the other. Despite how much he desperately wanted to, he kept pointing at himself while he willed himself to speak. 

“Evan.” 

The other only blinked, and Evan was beginning to panic again.

Oh god he was making so sense he was too stupid whatever pity tall man had for him was gone and now he was definitely going to die even though that was the goal anyways but god he was an idiot for thinking he could escape this place and for thinking someone would help him do that and--

“Connor.” His voice broke through the screaming in his head and he nodded.

Connor. A beautiful name for a beautiful person.

Evan gasped at himself, hiding his face in between his knees. He could feel how warm his face was and he was already ugly enough and becoming the reincarnation of a tomato wasn't helping him at all- 

“You've done this like, five times since I've gotten here. Maybe if you tried not freaking the ever living fuck out every five seconds, you'd have a chance of living.” His tone was harsh, and Evann didn't like it one bit.

Why couldn't he be like everyone else and function normally and not panic about absolutely everything that someone said to him because now Connor was pissed and he ruined it. He ruined his chance to escape and he'd be killed and end up being some ghost in a forest until some nice ghost hunter came along to help him but he wouldn't be able to move on because heaven definitely didn't want him back and he was way too pathetic for hell so he'd just be a lost and clueless soul for the rest of his life all because he was too annoying and Connor definitely didn't want to be anywhere near him and oh my god when did he start panicking? He's hyperventilating oh nonono Evan think of something to get him to stay please brain just work for once

“Guardian angel!” He blurted. Connor froze, he seemed.. nervous and-- oh, yeah, he was definitely pissed what did he do wrong now?? “I'm your… guardian angel,” Evan spoke again, whatever confidence he had five seconds ago had evaporated. 

That was a lie. Guardian angels were, like, the best of the best. And Evan? Well, he was.. Evan.

“You're my guardian angel?” Connor laughed, shaking his head in disbelief. Though, any sign of amusement disappeared just as quickly as Evan's confidence did earlier. “Of fucking course you are, and of course my guardian angel ended up being some freak who can't even do their job right. I mean, that's just my luck, isn't it?” He ran a hand through his hair, now abandoning Evan's still very much captive arm too. He wasn't given any time to think about it before Connor continued.

“And to think, I was going to help someone whose only purpose was to screw with my plans today, but you know what? That's too bad.” He was standing now, and before Evan could comprehend it all, he was walking away.

Evan was alone once more.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan Hansen is left, alone, once again. He wants to give up, allow himself to take as long as he has to to just die already. But what will he do when his mind is screaming to go and find Connor?
> 
> Something's wrong, he knows it. Do angels have instincts to help let them know when someone is in danger? He wouldn't know; he's always been clueless. But now, now he has a chance to prove his worth if he can just help Connor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Just here to say that the same warnings that applied for the previous chapter probably are the same for this one, as well!

And so, there Evan was, alone in a forest, on the brink of tears. He wanted to give up, to close his eyes and never allow them to open again. This was all too much to handle. A week full of isolation and the first person he came into contact with ended up abandoning him.

The next conclusion he made about humans is that, even if he were a being different from them, it didn't make him any more special. He was just as much of a burden here as he was back home.

His heart was racing again, and he could notice how difficult it was becoming to breathe, and how he wanted nothing more than to curl up and sob, but part of him wasn't allowing that to happen. There was a very, very small portion of himself that was screaming at him to go follow after Connor. Something was wrong and he knew it but he was stuck and couldn't do anything about it. 

Then, he remembered something: the stick. Right. The stick Connor was using to try and pry this death trap from his arm. 

His eyes frantically searched the ground, and finally, they landed on the one, very specific stick he was looking for. It was just out of his reach, which made the entire situation all the more frustrating and terrifying. His brain's immediate solution was, of course, to panic but he couldn't and he absolutely refused to allow that to happen just right now.

He'd definitely be in need of a long breakdown when this adrenaline rush died out.

Awkwardly, he shifted, leaning back and sticking both legs out in the direction of the stick, slowly but surely dragging the object towards himself.

This was completely and utterly embarrassing and Evan could not think of a time he believed he looked more ridiculous (though, that was a thing that happened on the daily: Evan Hansen was a mess, to say the least.)

Maybe Connor was struggling to help because of how lanky he was, but Evan wasn't going to think that; anything that crossed his mind that ended up being anywhere remotely close to an insult made him feel guilty. Was referring to someone as lanky a bad thing? No, not at all. It was just coming to the conclusion that he was struggling because of his lankiness rude? Yes, absolutely.

Anywho, back to the present, where a clumsy Evan Hansen lay on the ground trying to free his arm with a single stick. If there was ever a time where he regretted his mother's suggestions to focus on his physical health, it was now. 

It took about five minutes of him struggling to decide that the stick was useless and he needed to try something else. “Something else” being to bring his arm close to his feet and force it apart with whatever strength he could muster up in that moment.

Immediately, he could see better progress with his idea. There were multiple times where he managed to open the bear trap just slightly before his strength completely died out on him and it clamped right back up on his arm and oh boy was that painful enough to make him think a little more about giving up.

It must have taken at least ten minutes for him to finally plant both feet on top of the trap and get his arm out. His first thought was a mental comment on how absolutely disgusting he looked, and then he realized he needed to go because he put so much effort into getting out for a reason. 

He struggled to stand, feet still planted on the contraption. (Really, he should have just moved his feet quickly but this was the first idea that came to mind, and the latter only popped up after his struggle to stand while fully relying on his ability to balance-- which was nearly nonexistent, mind you.)

He jumped, being sure to land on the ground away from the unforgiving trap. Evan cringed as he heard it snap shut again.

Evan might have spent some time mentally yelling at himself for how easy that was to do and how stupid he was but he was quickly reminded that it could wait for later.

Finally, he started off, running vaguely in the direction in which he last saw Connor run off too. He ignored his distant fear of realization that Connor easily could have taken off in one direction and switched it up along the way. He liked to hope he wouldn't, if he weren't already lost, he definitely would have been now.

Just as any normal person would, (or he would like to think it was normal) he wasn't paying much attention to the ground while he ran, focusing more on everywhere else in his search for Connor. 

Yes, he did end up finding Connor, and no, Connor was not where he was looking for him. In fact, the only reason Evan found him was because he had ended up tripping on him, and falling very ungracefully to the ground with a thump. He yelped, quickly scrambling to his feet and looking down to see an unconscious Connor on the ground, with an orange bottle in his hands

Oh.

Oh no. 

Suddenly, Connor's rant about Evan “getting in the way of his plans” made a lot of sense.

Evan felt sick.

Connor was dying. Connor was dying and Evan couldn't help because even if, by some miracle, he could get out of here and find some kind enough person that was not interested in dissecting him, there was no way he'd be able to find his way back in time.

Still, he had to do something. He may have already been banned from heaven thanks to his pure stupidity, but that didn't mean he suddenly was a terrible person who only wanted people to suffer. No, someone was dying, and he had to help.

Evan felt around Connor, along with inside of his pockets. Humans had some sort of device used for communication, right? What was it called? Cell.. (sell?) phone? Yeah, okay, he could go with that for now; the name sounded vaguely familiar. 

The communication device that was hopefully called a cell phone ended up being in Connor's hoodie. He grabbed the rectangular object, fiddling with it until he was finally blessed with the sight of that screen with numbers he'd heard so much about: the window to communication. 

Evan knew of three key things about this rectangular box thing with numbers on the display: 

Humans have a set number to.. press? (Dial??) In case of emergencies.  
Said number has three digits  
Two of those digits are the number one, he knows that. He just has no idea what the other one was.

He had enough time to mess around with this for a bit. It couldn't take too long to figure this entire mess out.

So, with that in mind, he started off by listing the two ones first

110, 112, 113, 114, 115, 116, 117, 118, 119

And with his luck, none of the mentioned combinations ended up connecting him to the place he was trying to get to.

011, 211, 311, 411, 511, 611, 711, 811

911 ended up being the thing that connected him to the place, and he nearly started crying because of the joy he felt, but the joy was disrupted by the reminder that he was literally standing next to someone on the brink of death.

The operator was calm, and sounded kind of.. peppy, in a way, but it was forced, and Evan didn't enjoy it one bit.

“911, what's your emergency?”

It was in that moment that Evan Hansen decided that he hated communication through this device.

“Oh, uh, my-” he cut himself off. See, the problem here was that saying ‘My Connor’ was going to be weird, but what was he? “My.. friend,” Evan nodded to himself. Connor was not a friend, but it would do for now. “He's.. not moving, pills, and--” 

Of course, his built up panic from the past hour found decided that now would be the perfect time to start breaking down. His thoughts were suddenly a disorganized mess and, though he really wanted to speak, his voice was gone and even though he was trying with his everything to force the words that were building up in his mind, he couldn't.

“Sir, are you still there?”

He only managed a sob.

“Sir, I need you to calm down. Can you give me your location so I can send help?”

Evan shook his head, how was he supposed to know? What was this place called, anyways?

“Trees, uh.. the, trees.. place.”

Very specific, Evan.

There was a silence, and it made Evan sick. He was tired of getting the silent treatment. Why couldn't people just talk to him-

“Sir, is this a prank?”

“No? Oh, uh, no! No, i-” why would this be a prank? Please just send help, Connor is dying.

“Please share your location so I can send help, Sir.”

And that was when Evan decided to press that red button, and the phone went silent. This was too much. No one was going to help him here, even the people whose jobs were to do just that, because why would anyone in their right mind want to help a malfunctional angel?

He did the next best thing in his mind, which was to pick Connor up and just start running.

And okay, this may not have been the best thing he could've done, but it was the next thing he could think of. The clock was ticking, and Evan couldn't stand there and watch it just.. happen. No. He was going to save Connor, even if that meant having to risk his own life in the process.

So, he ran. He ran as far his legs would allow and for as long as he could ignore the excruciating pain in his arm. And soon enough (or, not soon enough, however he decided to look at the situation) he was free from the surrounding of trees; as beautiful as the place was, trying to get himself off the ground in such a place would only ever prove to be difficult.

Putting so much pressure onto his injury really was not a good idea. If it was even possible, the wound was now causing him more pain than it ever could have beforehand.

He placed Connor onto the ground, looking around for any sign of where they might be.

When he said (or thought) “sign” he wasn't expecting to actually find an old sign that proved difficult to read because of how faded the letters were (not to mention the fact that Evan had little to no knowledge regarding how to read English.)

911

“911, what's your emergency?”

“Ah.. autumn, autumn smile!” Yeah! He could do this, he could definitely do this. “Autumn smile apple orchard!” Evan yelled into the phone, before adding another, evidently less confident, “please,” and hanging up.

Now, all he could do was wait and pray the universe would take pity on him just this once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Constructive criticism is appreciated, as are all comments because I've quickly come to learn that I thrive off of them.
> 
> The next chapter will take longer to post, I just needed to get these two done and out of the way so I could get to the fun part.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They arrive at the hospital.

There was a distant humming, sirens. It was distant at first, and thank god for how loud it was, because Evan came to the sudden realization that his wings were still very visible and he needed to something about it. With wide eyes, he searched the area, debating his options.

He could do what just about anyone else in this situation would do and just hide, but what were the chances that he'd ever be able to run into Connor again? As stupid as it was to become so attached to someone when you've literally only said a max of 40 words to him and are now only still with him because he's on the verge of death, Evan can't afford to let his secret out to anyone else. Connor seemed.. nice enough. All Evan needed was help for a little longer and then he'd, well-- okay, he didn't exactly know what he would do.

So, he didn't want to leave Connor alone, he needed anyone who could help him just a while longer until he found some other method to-

He shook his head, as if to rid it of the idea. Now wasn't the time to think about his own-- er, fall, because Connor was dying and he needed to do something and the sirens were getting closer and he needed to do something Evan think think think.

He glanced down at himself, up, and then to himself again. Slowly, he raised his shirt, taking it off. Evan raised his arms, wrapping his wings around his body as tightly as he could manage before throwing the shirt back on, pausing to just stare at himself.

This was already a bad idea, he could tell. It hurt both his wings and body to do this, and he feared that, if he didn't constantly remind himself about it, he could easily give himself away.

But, it was too late to somehow come up with another plan (because, let's be honest, his creativity-o'-meter had been used up for the day, or month.) or even flee from all of this because now the loud noise was so close, and there were lights, and then people were rushing out to help Connor, and he felt relief wash over him. 

Connor was going to be okay, and Evan would make sure of that no matter what.

One of the paramedics noticed his arm, and then he was pulled into the vehicle too. He may or may not have considered running off, but the realization hit him that he wasn't sure if they'd even let him stay anywhere near Connor if he weren't injured, so he stayed put.

 

When one of them decided to ask what his own name was, Evan spent a good few seconds mentally buffering, and then another trying to get the words out. “Evan Hansen.” He managed.

 

During the ride, he tried to tune his thoughts out, aside from the panic of his wings, those remained wrapped around him, constructing his movement and breathing and just inconveniencing him in any way they could. Which was okay, it was okay. Because Connor was going to be okay. For once, he had proven to be useful.. ish.

Then he finally caught sight of the building said to be their destination, and he frowned. It gave him an unwelcoming feeling, a panic that felt different from his typical anxiety (although, he was definitely feeling a little bit of that too). In a way, it reminded him of how he felt back there, the feeling that drove him to getting himself out, and to running through a forest, all the way to where he sat now.

It was a feeling that left him feeling empty, alone, at a loss, like he was missing something, like the world itself was losing something important. Yet, it also somehow managed to make him feel a variety of other emotions all at once. It made him extremely uncomfortable.

What pulled him away from his thoughts was the feeling of his wings relaxing, stretching the shirt out slightly. He fixed the problem immediately.

And soon after, they were being rushed into the building, and Connor was pulled away from him.

Evan was dragged into some other room, filled with chairs and other people, where he waited, anxiously awaiting what else was to come. He spent most of his time mentally complaining about how bland and lifeless the place looked, and how the lights made him want to curl up and hide. It was an unwelcoming place in every way that one would think to be possible.

There was a screened object (or, well, there were multiple) attached to the wall, it reminded him of Connor's device that he had used earlier, only, this was obviously bigger, and seemed to serve an entirely different purpose.

He had heard the name of the screened device that hung on the wall maybe once, and he knew that the word humans used to refer to it as was somewhere in the back of his mind, but the word wasn't going to grace him with its presence any time soon. Evan was sure that, if he heard the word being used, it'd ring a bell.

Too bad he wasn't given any more time to think about it, because his name was called, and he froze, making brief eye contact with the nurse who called his name, breaking it within a millisecond because eye contact was horrifying and made him want to curl up and disappear for five days.

Then, his name was called again, and he began to panic, what was he supposed to do?

“Oh! Uh,” he stood, accidentally pushing the chair he had been sitting on backwards, which caused it to screech awfully against the floor. Evan winced at the sound, speed walking to the women and mumbling an apology that even he had trouble hearing.

 

When it was all said and done, Evan ended up getting his wounds cleaned, which had caused him way more pain than he would've imagined (considering that it was supposed to make him feel better). He'd be lying if he said he hadn't cried a little while they cleaned his wound.

The next thing that happened nearly gave him a heart attack; he needed x-rays of his arm to ensure it wasn't broken, and he began to panic for multiple reasons. 

Evan wasn't aware that they were only doing x-rays on his arm, but his entire body, which made him begin to squeeze himself tighter with his wings. If he closed his eyes and pretended, it was almost as if he was receiving a very aggressive hug.

And the next reason he was scared was because of the machine they brought him to. It scared him so much that he spent the entire time hyperventilating, and once he realized what he was doing, he started sobbing, because he was old enough and shouldn't be afraid of some machine but he was. He was so absolutely terrified.

 

After that was all said and done, they sent him to another room, where he waited for what felt like forever for another nurse to come back and inform him that his arm was, indeed, broken.

So now, here he sat, back in the waiting room, with a weird, bulky thing covering the entirety of his arm. It made him frown.

Now would be an even better time to leave, but listen, Evan Hansen wasn't the best at flying because he was a clumsy, unbalanced mess. With this cast on his arm, there was no way he'd be able to manage.

He was guaranteed to be stuck here, with these humans, for the twelve weeks he was required to wear this thing.

Evan really, really didn't want to think about that. He had nowhere to go, and twelve weeks was way too long to try and stay outside. Sure, outside was great, but the inside of a building where he wasn't constantly fearing being eaten alive by some animal or getting bitten by a bug and just sort of dying wasn't something he enjoyed thinking of.

But, when he allowed his mind to wander to other things, it went directly to Connor, and suddenly he was panicking again.

Connor, the reason he was here, the reason he wasn't still in the forest, dying, the person he may or may not have saved. The other reason he had yet to leave the hospital-- both because the nurses had insisted he stay (his family had yet to arrive) and because he, quite literally, had nowhere else to go.

On a brighter note, he remembered what the box on the wall was called now, thanks to a child who had excitedly pointed at it and yelled “TV!” The pure excitement in the toddler's voice warmed his heart, and might have been the highlight of his day, honestly.

 

Soon enough, a family (or, he assumed that's what they were) walked into the room. A girl who looked to be around his age accompanied by a much older woman and man. Even from a distance, he could see the red headed woman's dismay, and he also noticed how to other two only looked.. tired.

Much to Evan's inconvenience, the mother sat just a couple seats down, the other two followed, both staring at their phones.

It wasn't until he heard the older woman speak up to her family that he became thankful for them sitting so close, giving him ease to listen.

“Larry, your son's life is in danger, what could be more important than your own child?” She sounded distressed, at a loss for what to do, alone. It made Evan's heart ache; if he didn't suffer from crippling anxiety, he would have stood to give her a hug. She looked like she needed one.

“Work, Cynthia,” was his response. He quickly made note of their names. Evan might never see them again after today, but if he had to keep mentally referring to people by their features, he was going to lose it. Names sounded better than just 'red head’ or 'tall man’ yeah, those sounded stupid, and Evan was fully aware, which was why he was going to assign a name to every face he could.

Okay.. maybe not every face. The thought stressed him way too much.

“Zoe, what about you?” He made note of that name in an instant. “Please, I know we're all dealing with the shock in our own way, but I think what we all need is to just talk to each other,” Cynthia's voice was quiet, fragile, she had just managed to calm herself from crying and yet, her family still refused to acknowledge to pain in her voice.

“Mom, Connor's fine.” Zoe shrugged.

Evan's mind went racing. Was this Connor's family? How was he supposed to figure that out? He was never provided with a last name. He was such an idiot, he should've introduced himself by his full name instead of his first because it would be weird to think that anyone would give their full name out to a stranger when the other had already only given his first name. Why didn't he plan this far ahead? Sure, it was unpredictable, but Evan should have known. Logically, he knew he shouldn't be beating himself up over all of this, but logic that included Evan being kind to himself was not part of his vocabulary- but, then again, there were a lot of things that weren't in his vocabulary, he was barely getting by with key words, tone of voice, and body language.

He zoned them out once they realized they were arguing (and by that, he meant Cynthia continued to talk to her family while they gave her minimum acknowledgment) and he honestly wasn't sure how long he could take feeling terrible for a stranger.

When he thought about it, the main reason Evan might have felt bad for her was because she, in a way, reminded him of his own mother; she tried to connect with a family who was putting little to no effort into returning the favor. Thinking of it made him sick, made him remember that his mom was probably devastated right now, so he shoved those thoughts into a box and sat on it; he'd deal with that later, something he was telling himself more and more frequently by the minute, it seemed.

 

He must have fallen asleep at one point, because one moment, Connor's supposed family was there, and then when he opened his eyes, they weren't. Whatever drowsiness he was still feeling was replaced by a racing heart as he jumped out the chair, eyes scanning the room wildly.

They weren't here anymore oh my god Connor was probably gone now but oh no what if he was dead oh no this was bad he wouldn't be able to live with that guilt because now Connor's family would blame him too but they wouldn't even know it because he wouldn't be able to properly communicate with anyone and he was such a mess so no one would even listen to him and he was so hopeless 

He didn't realize he was crying until he felt a tear land on his hand, and he sighed, wiping at his eyes and nose with his sleeve. He closed his eyes, focusing on his breathing, trying to prepare himself mentally for the stress that was talking to the desk lady.

Slowly, he wobbled over to the counter, shifting awkwardly on his feet, staring down at the ground, it wasn't until he heard her clear her throat that he finally looked up. Right, communication. He could do this.

“Connor. Where is..” he pointed to to chairs that the family had sat at earlier, now replaced by a new set of strangers. He looked to her expectantly, proud of his ability to get that much out.

It quickly faltered, however, because the lady looked so lost.

“Connor.” Evan repeated. “Is.. uh, is good?”

That seemed to get him somewhere, because at least she wasn't looking at him as if he had spontaneously grown a pair of wings (haha.. he checked to make sure they weren't obvious. Terrible joke, Evan. -12/10).

“Last name?” She asked, typing away at a button board that was attached to some other rectangular device; it was smaller than the TV, but definitely bigger than the phone. It was then he decided that humans must have some weird obsession with rectangles.

Evan had no idea of a last name, so he tried to improvise. “Hair,” he brought his hand to his shoulder, because he had forgotten the word to describe it. “Tall,” he then raised his hand above himself. “Orchard.” He finally said, nodding to himself.

The lady went back to being confused, and he frowned. How could he explain that he was doing the best he could with the .5 words he knew?

“Please,” Evan spoke, after a silence had settled between the two, one that he believed was only there because the lady was trying to put his words together. “Need to.. find.”

The lady seemed to give into his stupidity, she seemed tired. She read off a number, and he continued to stand there even after she did, because he couldn't be too sure of what the numbers looked like. The desk lady finally scribbled down something on a pad and tore one of its pieces off, handing it to him.

Evan walked away without saying 'thank you' because he was positive that if he stayed there any longer, she'd lose her mind.

He really hoped that it'd be less.. gloomy down the halls, but boy was he wrong. The walls were still white and bland, the floor was still tiled and unwelcoming, and the light remained to be way too bright. The only difference here is that there were people rushing down the halls, to different rooms.

He sighed, reading off the numbers next to the doors, comparing them all to the ones scribbled down on the paper in his grip. He soon came to realize that there was no room 232 here.

And that was when he discovered another rectangular machine, he watched people walk into it, and then they were gone. Evan nearly screamed when the doors opened again and there was no one inside. He may have been curious, but there was no way he was going to risk being thrown into some other dimension during his search for Connor.

He took the stairs.

Sure enough, once he got up there, the number two was listed in the beginning of the numbers. He eventually stood in front of the door he was looking for, double, triple checking to make sure he didn't 'read’ something wrong, and then checking again just in case.

Evan came to quickly realize that he couldn't just stand outside the door, he had to go in, but he also knew that he couldn't just.. waltz right in there. Humans had some sort of ritual they did before going inside, right? What was it?

He had never been so thankful for there being so many people around, because a man a couple doors down knocked on the door; it was.. weird but, okay.

With hesitance, he brought his hand up to the door, hitting it. Evan waited a moment to give anyone who was behind that door to refuse him the right to even think of stepping inside, but it never happened. He turned the handle and pushed the object open, it creaked slightly.

There, on a bed, attached to (you guessed it) a rectangular box with squiggly lines and numbers, was Connor. If Evan had to put words to the former's expression, he would use 'confused.’

“What are you doing here?” It sounded like an attempt at anger, but Evan noted the failure and how it really only reminded him of exhaustion. He shrugged, waddling over to the chair next to the bed, pointing at it, silently asking for permission to sit.

“Yeah, sure, I don't care,” he mumbled, and Evan grinned, plopping down onto the chair. It felt better than the ones in the other room; he would have much rather preferred to have fallen asleep on this one.

“Do you plan on answering me or are you just going to stare?”

“Um,” he shrugged, trying to recall the question and failing miserably. “Say again?”

Connor rolled his eyes at that, “What are you doing here?”

Evan held up a finger, signalling for him to wait while he deciphered the sentence. Tone wasn't helping, it was empty now, and the bewilderment written across his face earlier helped just slightly.

“Check.. check you- er, Connor,” he paused. “Connor is.. good?” Evan gave a thumbs up while gesturing towards him. It seemed to amuse Connor, so he decided not to beat himself up over how painfully embarrassing he was being right now, because for a moment, Connor almost smiled.

“Do I look good?” He laughed, gesturing around the room.”I feel like shit.”

“...shit?” Evan repeated. Connor laughed again.

Connor shook his head, and silence settled between them. He was glancing over Evan's appearance, as if he were looking for something, it made the latter shuffle awkwardly. Connor was judging him oh no because he was ugly and gross and a mess and he couldn't even blame him for thinking that but

Then there was a laugh. “I must've been high off my ass, oh my god.”

Evan only blinked.

“I- fuck, I could have sworn you had, like, wings or some fuckery.” He shook his head. “I think I've found a new favorite dealer.”

“Wings?” He repeated, eyes going wide. “Yes! Hidden! Wings.. hidden!”

Connor shook his head, “bullshit. If you're here to make fun of me, then please, feel free to fuck off, see you never.”

But Evan only stood there.

“Hey, freak, are you listening? I said: get the fuck out.”

Evan winced, and backed away, but didn't leave.

Connor was sitting up, and the lines on the screen seem to have gotten bigger, and it was beeping obnoxiously. “What are you, stupid? Leave,” he shouted, pointing to the door.

It was then that the family from earlier, accompanied by a nurse, entered the room, and they both froze.

The nurse checked to make sure he was okay, and then left, that was when Connor's family started talking; they didn't acknowledge Evan for even a second.

“Connor, are you okay?” Cynthia questioned, putting the back of her hand to his forehead; it may have been out of pure habit, considering they were in a hospital and the nurse who checked on him no more than thirty seconds ago hadn't said anything about a fever.

“Yeah, who were you talking to?” Zoe cut in.

“Connor, you're not high, are you?” Larry grumbled, shaking his head in disappointment before Connor even had the opportunity to even respond, it angered Evan to watch this.

“What? No, are you all blind? He's right-fucking-there.” Connor groaned, pointing right at Evan. The family turned towards him, and he nearly had a panic attack, but he wasn't given a chance to do anything, really. They were already focused on Connor again.

“Connor, no one's there,” Zoe said plainly, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world-- which, okay, it might have been to them.

“You're kidding me, right?” Connor scoffed. He and Evan exchanged a glance, Evan only shrugged, shuffling to the corner of the room farthest away from Connor's family.

He turned around so his back was facing Connor, hesitantly taking his shirt off and allowing his wings to unfold, sighing in relief. If he had known that Connor was going to be the only one seeing him, he would've stretched his wings long ago, because they were in a desperate need of just that.

“Seriously, you're not fucking seeing this?” He heard Connor yell as he threw his shirt back on.

 

Whatever else was said as the family erupted into another argument wasn't anything Evan would be able to recall, so he sat in the corner, waiting silently until a lady walked in to inform them that “visiting hours were over” whatever that meant.

“Why are you still here?” Connor sent a glare in his direction, and Evan curled in on himself.

“Guardian angel,” he mumbled, standing.

“Yeah? Well, can you tell me what I did to deserve such a fucking useless angel?”

Evan stared down at his feet, wiping at the tears that were swift to flood his eyes and blur his vision.

“You know what? Fuck it, I'm going to sleep.” Connor threw the blanket over himself, turning over in the small bed and shutting his eyes.

Evan didn't sleep that night. He spent it allowing his bottled up emotions from the day to spill, he allowed himself to cry and panic and just.. have the time to himself that he needed.

Connor slept soundly throughout all of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm in the middle of trying to decide on if I should actually make a posting schedule or just continue to post spontaneously.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan and Connor interact longer than five seconds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is more of just a bunch of Connor and Evan trying to get to know each other. It doesn't have that seriousness to it that I tried to give the previous chapters. It's more of just building a relationship between the two.

When Connor finally woke from his inhumanly long nap, Evan managed to calm himself down. Sure, he might have been worried about how his face might be red, or how his nose was still full of snot and he needed to sniffle every now and then, but that worry was quick to be replaced with a new set of them, because now Connor was sitting up in his bed, and not only that, but he was glaring at Evan. He wasn't even given a chance to think of what he could say.

“Why the fuck are you still here?”

He remained silent-- not because he wanted to, but because he needed the time to slowly put meaning to those words. Evan wasn't smart, he couldn't learn a language in a day.

“Are you even real?”

That, even could barely understand; confusion and the word 'real.’

“Real?” Evan gestured to himself, before nodding.

“Why do you talk so fucking..” Connor paused, he seemed to be struggling to find his words; not that Evan was complaining, the more time he took to speak, the less time he would spend in silence trying to forcibly shove the puzzle pieces within his mind together. “Why can't you speak like a normal fucking person?”

Evan winced, bunching the hem of his shirt in his hand. Connor was like a fire, and Evan was the idiot who had absolutely no idea how to stop it no matter how much he wanted to; Evan was going to watch the fire grow and grow until he could do nothing about it, because when did he ever have control of anything within his life?

“Hey, would you stop ignoring me?” Evan looked up, refusing to meet his eyes. He wanted to run, everything was screaming at him to do just that, but fear overpowered that, and he stayed put despite how much his brain screamed at him to just do something.

“So, care to explain that?” Connor pointed to Evan's arm, and the latter froze, pure fear etched across his features.

“Explain..?”

“Uh, yeah? Explain?” Connor was looking at Evan as if he had two heads.. which was fair; maybe it was the wings. “How’d you get out?”

There was more silence, and Evan could've sworn that if looks could kill, he'd be dead before he could process it-- which.. wasn't saying much, considering he took at least thirty seconds to respond every time Connor spoke; if Evan were in his position, he'd probably want him gone now, too. He was wasting too much time.

Evan decided that since words weren't something he was good with, he'd try and reenact it. He put his hands together opening them and snapping them closed, trying to mimic the trap he was stuck in, before pointing to his casted arm. He took a moment to decide how he was going to do this. After repeating his mimic of a trap, he pointed to the floor, bending so he could touch it; trying to recall to how he was trapped earlier without having to sit on the ground (it was cold and kind of gross, he was done sitting on the ground for a while). Eventually, he tried to mimic how he stood on it, and freed his arm from the imaginary trap on the ground, standing and holding his hands up in celebration.

It ended when he looked back over to Connor, whose expression was blank; not being able to have a basic idea at knowing what he was thinking scared made him feel worse than he did when Connor was clearly just.. mad at him.

The next thing he heard was laughter, and he managed to spontaneously feel both confusion and relief at once. He was relieved because.. well, Connor wasn't reacting negatively, he hoped. And the confusion? Well, because he had no idea why he was laughing.

“I have absolutely no idea what that meant but that was fucking gold.” Connor shook his head, but it wasn't in a negative way, it was in.. disbelief?

Evan decided he liked hearing laughter, whether or not he only liked Connor's laugh or just laughter in general was something he hoped to discover in the future-- either way, it was a beautiful sound.

Unknowing of how else to react, he gave a smile and a very awkward double thumbs up, which made Connor snort.

And then Evan was laughing too.

He didn't know how long it continued, but eventually, the sound died down, and Evan felt lighter than he did earlier. Connor looked happier, too.

“Maybe I should be in the hospital, I just spent three minutes laughing with some hallucination.” He sighed. Whatever Connor said was fairly quiet, and something Evan was sure was only meant for himself, so he didn't put much much effort into putting that one together. He did, however, focus on how funny it was to see that people talked to themselves-- it wasn't weird, it was just.. entertaining.

“Is there a reason why you don't speak much?” Connor spoke, louder this time.

Evan tapped his foot anxiously against the tiled floor, humming to himself, he tried to fill the silence, tried to show to Connor that he was heard and wasn't being ignored.

“Speak? Uh, not.. English,” he paused. There had to be more to add to that, right? He could add more, he felt like he had to. “..very much. Not very much English.” Evan felt more confident in that. He may have only added two more words, but just that was enough for him; he wasn't doing the bare minimum to communicate, he was trying, and from the lack of confusion on Connor's face, he was succeeding.

Evan Hansen was doing something correctly, and it made him feel so incredibly happy. When was the last time he did anything at all without somehow messing it up? He couldn't remember. So yeah, he may have been acting like a child for celebrating such a small accomplishment, but in that moment, he couldn't say that he cared.

“Oh,” Connor nodded.

Evan decided he liked this Connor way more, but who wouldn't? Connor was calm right now, he wasn't yelling at Evan, and staring him down like he were wishing he were dead in some ditch. Connor was listening, and now he'd hopefully begin to understand why Evan was literally buffering every time Connor said something that required a response.

“How does this all..” he gestured to Evan. “How does this Guardian Angel thing work?”

And that panic was back again. Evan wasn't Connor's guardian angel, he was a liar who was going to have to tell Connor that he lied and then Connor would get mad and report him to the government or whatever and he wouldn't be able to get back home because they would lock him up and experiment on him and

“Do you do this often?”

Evan only blinked at him.

“Do you hyperventilate often?” Connor clarified.

“Hyperventilate?” He echoed, he was sure he'd heard that term not too long ago, but he still had no definition for it.

The other was silent, and Evan focused on the floor in an attempt to keep himself from spiraling into another panic.

“Yeah, you were breathing unevenly? Uh, panicking.” He paused. “I can't think of anything that'd help it make more sense to you.” Connor shrugged. “Is there a reason you appeared so suddenly in my life?”

Evan understood three things: it was a question, and the words “reason” and “appear.”

“You.. help.” He cringed at himself. He was almost positive that he sounded worse than a child trying to speak its first words. He took a deep breath, trying again to form that sentence in a way that didn't make him sound as if he'd completely lost it. “You, Connor, need help.”

That earned another laugh from Connor, but it was lacking the emotion it was filled with earlier-- scratch that, it was lacking any emotion at all, really. Evan quickly rephrased his wish from earlier; he wanted to hear Connor laugh like he did not too long ago, he wished to hear the laughter filled with joy or humor, not this empty.. thing. Could he even call it a laugh?

“Yeah, I know that. I've needed it for as long as I can remember. Why are you here now?”

Evan was positive that if the other continued to ask questions, he'd either end up dying of a heart attack because of the panic or his brain would just.. give up, because trying to understand all of this at once hurt his head. He wanted a nap.

But he couldn't think about that right now, he needed to worry about how he was going to respond to this. He could spill the truth now, admit to Connor that he had lied in his moment of need, but he couldn't; he couldn't risk seeing someone go from gentle to a raging fire because of him.

“New,” he said, pointing to himself.

“Of-fucking-course,” he laughed, it was that empty one again, the one that was oh so obviously missing something; it made Evan feel uneasy. “No one wants to help the disappointment.”

Connor was missing that gentleness from earlier. What was once a gentle breeze was becoming a brutal wind that was sure to make anyone with common sense (and no jacket) flee back inside.

“No,” Evan shook his head, waving his hands in front of him frantically. “Shortage.” He nodded, mostly to himself. It wasn't.. that much of a lie, it might actually be one of maybe three things that he told Connor that ended up being true. The human population was growing too quickly, and guardian angels were being stretched thin, having to watch over multiple people rather than just focus on one. It was why more people were losing their lives, why the world was becoming more dangerous; the angels couldn't keep up with it all.

And when the guardian angels could manage to prevent a human from facing death? Well, it usually meant that they ended up being one angel down, and everyone else would go without one. It was completely possible that Connor's guardian angel was dead or just couldn't keep up with it all. Maybe Evan was helping more than just himself out right now.

Connor didn't seem to buy his excuse, but he didn't say anything, either, so Evan counted that as a small victory.

 

They sat in silence a while longer, during which, Evan ended up staring outside the window in the room. The view wasn't the best, a parking lot filled with plenty of cars, but the sky was still there. He could still admire the sky. He spent about two seconds staring up at it before he realized he was only doing it because he was homesick. He went back to sitting in the chair by Connor's bed, wings arranging themselves awkwardly on it.

“What was that all about?” Connor interrupted his quiet struggle of trying to find a comfortable way to sit, stopping and settling in a position that ended up being even more uncomfortable than when he had initially sat down. He looked up at Connor, sitting still and giving him his full attention; the last thing he wanted was to come off as rude.

“Earlier. My parents were in here, they couldn't see you, what's with that?” Connor clarified.

Evan shrugged, he didn't understand how it worked, but he'd do his best to answer the questions he and Connor had-- he planned to put as much effort into that as he was putting into trying to learn English. He pointed to his cast, and then to the door.

“They, the..” he paused, realizing he did not have a word for what the people who roamed the halls in and walked into the rooms to help were called. Was there even a word for it, or were they all to be referred to as people? No, there had to be something, Evan wasn't over thinking this.

“Nurses? Doctors?” Connor offered, and Evan nodded, snapping his fingers.

“Yes! They could see,” he shrugged, then pointed to his cast again. “They.. uh,” Evan mentally berated himself. He used this word not too long ago! It couldn't be that difficult to remember.

“Helped?”

Evan nodded again. “I don't..” he shrugged. “Know? I uh, don't know, why.”

“Don't you have like.. angel school or some shit?” The other asked half-jokingly.

“School?” He tilted his head.

“You know, hell on Earth? Or would it be hell in heaven?”

“H-” he coughed, what started out as a loud shout of pure surprise was now brought back down to a more pleasant and comfortable volume. “Hell? Nonono,” he shook his head profusely.

Connor laughed again, and whatever negative emotions he was experiencing just less than a second ago was long gone. “It was a metaphor, calm down.” He shook his head. “But you don't know what school is? Fuck, I wish I were an angel. I'd kill to have no idea what school is, your life must be a literal dream come true.” He paused, and Evan could see him visibly cringing at himself for that. “That sounded really Disney-ish.”

He had no idea who or what “Disney-ish” was, but Evan made a mental note to himself to ask about them or it later on. Right now, there was something else on his mind that he really felt the need to address now.

“Kill?!” He gasped. “No, no, don't, please?” The very word made him want to scream; he was already in for one hell of a rollercoaster because of his decision to pretend to be a guardian angel, he couldn't imagine the consequences he would end up facing if the person he was watching over ended up killing someone.

“Hey, dude, calm down. I wasn't serious?” Okay, now Evan was beginning to hear annoyance, or was he overreacting? Or, even worse, he was completely oblivious and blinded by his own hopes and Connor was actually annoyed the entire time? What if he reacted wrong? Then Connor would get mad, and as he'd already mentally gone through before, it would ultimately result in him becoming an experiment.

“You're doing it again.”

“Oh, uh, I,” Evan went back to staring at his feet.

“You..?” Connor prompted, and Evan only shrugged, changing the topic.

“Uh, I..” he held up his hand, mimicking speaking, and then pointing to himself. “Tired?”

It seemed that Evan's attempt at explaining himself wasn't a success, because Connor took longer to respond than he normally did.

“You're tired of speaking?” He asked, for clarification, and received a nod in response.

Evan being, well, Evan, had expected simply admitting that to cause everything to go downhill, and seeing that it hadn't caught him by more surprise than he would like to admit. Connor nodded at him, laying back down.

“Yeah, that's fine. I'm still exhausted anyway, who would've thought trying to die would be so exhausting?” There was that sound again, the laugh that made Evan frown.

When Evan didn't laugh back, Connor didn't respond, he closed his eyes, adjusting himself on the bed.

Soon enough, there was nothing but soft snoring that filled the room, and this time, Evan did go to sleep. He felt more relaxed than he did last time, he didn't really have a reason to cry in that moment.

Right then, Evan could happily say that, despite everything that was going on, he was okay.

Who knew talking to someone instead of hiding from anything and everything could make you feel so.. free?

If things could always be this way, he'd continue to act as Connor's unofficial official guardian angel for just a while longer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed! Please feel free to point out any errors within the text that you come across (it helps me out more than you would think, I swear I won't bite your head off) and also feel free to give constructive criticism!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More hospital chatting

There were several things Evan was quick to acknowledge once he began to wake.   
  
One was that sleeping in chairs was extremely uncomfortable, and his neck practically screamed at him in protest while he tried to stretch.   
  
Emphasis on tried.   
  
Which leads to the second thing he noticed: he couldn't move. There was something-- er, someone was sitting on him. He could feel his heart begin to speed up, and noticed how quickly his brain descended into a panic. He squirmed, trying to give himself some way to calm his nerves, prove to himself that he wasn't in immediate danger.   
  
Unsurprisingly, it's difficult to trick yourself into a false sense of security when someone who obviously can't see you is sitting on you, and causing you to lose your ability to move freely.   
  
The more he thinks about it, the faster his heart seems to beat.   
  
Sure, his need to move freely can be blamed on his anxiety, causing him to be fidgety, but he just might have been able to cope with his current situation if it were that alone.   
  
It turns out that having been unable to move completely freely for however long he was stuck out there had also become something that, lucky for him, got in the way of his want to act like a functional person for once.   
  
He closed his eyes, trying to focus on his breathing. Evan abandoned the idea after about twenty seconds of trying; breathing exercises were the worst-- if anything, they made him feel more worried than he did before deciding to focus on his breathing. Now, there'd be at least a solid minute where he would have to focus on his breathing for fear that not doing so would result in him forgetting what it is and just.. dying.   
  
The more he thinks about it, the more he comes to realize that he really, really doesn't want to die. The entire concept of it is horrifying, and makes his head spin.   
  
He might have been thankful to be pulled from his thoughts if it were in a different manner. There were raised voices, from both Connor and the person who was unknowingly holding him as prisoner to the chair.   
  
From the feminine voice and similar hair, Evan would have to guess that this was the girl from the waiting room. What was her name?   
  
“I said get the fuck out, Zoe!”   
  
Zoe.   
  
He mentally nodded, trying to use his desire to remember names and not seem like a complete idiot if he ever needed to refer to them as a sort of distraction. Evan really, really didn't enjoy loud noises.   
  
And before he knew it, Zoe was gone. He watched as she made her way out of the room; she stared straight ahead, not paying any attention to her surroundings, and when she closed the door, he couldn't help but note that she didn't exactly close it in the most pleasant manner.   
  
When he looked back at Connor, he wasn't met with the anger he imagined to see just moments ago. Connor looked.. tired. Emotionally. Evan could relate.   
  
“You're still here?”   
  
The words themselves may have been a bit.. harsh, but the tone was not. It was soft and kind and if Evan just focused on that, he could almost ignore the fact that he was probably hyperventilating about forty seconds ago.   
  
“Yes,” he nodded, holding up his hand to signal he had more to say. Not only was his mind still slow because of having just woken up, but concentrating took a bit more effort than usual because of how he'd woken up. “As needed,” and Evan frowned. There was something missing, something that needed to be added.   
  
“Time,” Evan tried, but shook his head. He spread his arms out, then brought them back together, then spread his arms again, holding it there while he spoke again, trying to ignore that Connor was obviously trying to keep himself from laughing. “Time,” he repeated.   
  
Connor looked completely lost, but it still looked like he was trying to decipher this mess, and that was enough for Evan.   
  
“Time.. as needed.” He tried, wracking his own brain for answers he knew weren't there. He could already feel the beginnings of a headache, but that wasn't going to discourage him from his desire to cram as many words into his brain until it exploded.   
  
Okay, nevermind, take that back. Just as many words he could manage to learn before he just.. couldn't. The thought of his brain exploding made him feel nauseous.   
  
“You're here as long as I need you to be?” Something had shifted in Connor's tone and expression. He didn't seem as joyful as he was a second ago.   
  
“Uh, yes? What.. wrong?” He paused. “..what is wrong?”   
  
“That's bullshit.”   
  
Evan isn't even given the time to dream of responding before Connor's speaking again.   
  
“You're lying to me. What's your deal, really? If you're supposed to be here when I need it then why..” Evan could have sworn that, for a split second, there was a flash pain across Connor's face. He wasn't given any time to confirm it, because in a blink, it was gone, replaced with that anger.   
  
Evan urged his brain to process the words, to shove the puzzle pieces together. Connor didn't look happy, and he needed to fix it. If his brain could just work for once, it would all be okay.   
  
However, it seemed that focusing on his brain actually doing its job just seemed to make everything go by slower. He had no idea if it was just his mind playing tricks, or if he truly was using up more time than usual. The only thing he knew for certain was that this was just.. unfair. Why couldn't angels communicate without having to go through the pain of having to learn the human's language in the process?   
  
He took a deep breath. “Again. Say.. again,” he paused, ”Please.”   
  
Connor blinked. His anger seemed to have just.. disappeared. There was that.. that sadness from earlier too. It made Evan's heart hurt.   
  
The other took his time with his response, and Evan would be lying if he said it didn't nearly send him into another panic. Thankfully, Connor began to speak before he was given the chance to hyperventilate.   
  
“Why are you here now?” His voice was quiet, and his eyes seemed to go anywhere that wasn't Evan.   
  
“I, Evan Hansen, are here to keep Connor safe.” Every time he said it, Evan could almost trick himself into believing it was true.   
  
“You said that.”   
  
“Yes.”   
  
“No. I mean why weren't you here in the past?”   
  
Here, past. Keywords, right?   
  
“Oh. Am new,” he nodded. At least it wasn't a complete lie. Sure, it still made him feel bad, but Evan took comfort in knowing that he wasn't completely making this entire thing up. He just might be able to get through this entire thing if he learns how to balance the truth and its opposite.   
  
The guilt was definitely gnawing at him, but he could cope. He could ignore the small voice in the back of his head telling him that he could step out of this now, tell the truth before it was too late-- back out before the consequences became unbearable, before things swirled out of his control.   
  
He reminded himself that, no matter what happened in the end, it was still better than the guilt of someone's death crushing him. He could ignore the future for right now. Connor was alive, and Evan may not be his official guardian, but that doesn't invalidate the fact that he'd literally managed to save his life.   
  
It was a little easier to manage a lie when he could convince himself that the person he was lying to was in need of just that.   
  
The future could wait for now.   
  
His thoughts were yet again interrupted by Connor; he hadn't even realized he was probably spacing out and being awkward and weird until he cleared his throat.   
  
“So, you struggle with speaking English, right?”   
  
Why couldn't his brain process words faster? Stupid stupid stupid.   
  
“Yes, very much.”   
  
No matter how confident he might have been in the meaning he think he managed to find in what was being said to him, he didn't think he would be able to rid himself of the fear that he'd completely managed to mess up along the way and was providing a nonsensical response to just about everything.   
  
What if that's what he's been doing the entire time? What if Connor's just playing along with it, because maybe Connor does think he's crazy and Evan's just some weird hallucination or maybe he does believe in the whole angel thing and is trying to cope with the fact that the person who was supposedly in charge of watching him was some idiot who couldn't even get down the proper form of sentences. What if he really did die or hit his head and this was actually Evan's brain conjuring something up to cope with the fact that his heart was still beating and he was going to wake up at any moment now in some sort of lab with wires attaches to him and--   
  
“Evan.”   
  
“Evan,” he echoed, immediately cringing at himself. Not only did his voice end up coming out way louder than it needed to, but he was also starting to get the idea that repeating things that were already spoken was annoying.   
  
Thankfully, Connor seemed kind enough to not mind, or he did and just didn’t say anything about it—either way, he was grateful for how understanding he seemed to be.   
  
“About the English thing,” he paused, and Evan was confident that this was because of hesitance. He watched as Connor’s mouth opened, closed, and opened again. He absentmindedly thought of that water creature thing as he watched, and immediately felt guilty for it, because Connor was not a scaled creature that people caught and ate, no, he was a human oh my god Evan that was probably so insulting what the fuck. “I could probably help you out?”   
  
Evan really didn’t know what he was expected to be said regarding his poor/practically nonexistent English skills (okay, that’s a lie, he was definitely expecting some sort of insult) but he truly would have never managed to guess that someone would ever willingly offer to help him.   
  
Of course, his brain obviously didn't like the idea of him having anything good in his life, and immediately went to the most obvious solution as to why Connor was offering to help him.

  


This had to be a joke.

  


He stood there silently, staring at nothing in particular while he waited for laughter that never came.

  


When he looked back up, Connor was still there, patiently waiting. It made Evan want to cry.

  


He truly did not deserve any of this.

  


“Yes,” he nodded profusely. “Please.”

  


Connor nodded back, and he awkwardly shifted himself to one side of the bed, patting the now empty space next to him.

  


Evan only stood there, staring at where he pat the bed, waiting for something to happen.

  


That something ended up being another bed-pat and Connor verbally clarifying that he wanted Evan to sit there.

  


It made him feel like an idiot, but he continued to remind himself that he wasn't forcing the other to do this-- that this was of Connor's own free will. Connor could very easily tell Evan to fuck off and never talk to him again and he'd do just that.

  


But no, that wasn't happening at all, nothing even remotely close to it, actually.

  


He made his way over to the bed, sitting down hesitantly and looking at Connor to make sure this was what he wanted.

  


He'd take the fact that Connor was nearly  _ smiling  _ as his reassurance.

  


“Okay, so,” Connor reached over, grabbing an item off the surface next to his bed. Evan squinted at it while he tried to remember what it was called.

  


_ The thing with many, many pages with even more words inside? No, no, humans usually have shorter names for things like that for their convenience. _

  


“We'll start with this,” Connor gestured to it.. the the.. the..

  


“Book!” He exclaimed, and Connor seemed taken aback by the sudden outburst of excitement.

  


But, just as he was about to apologize for it after having to remind himself what word for apologies was to be used, he was interrupted.

  


“Yeah. Yeah, it's a book.” Evan wanted to say something, but the look on Connor's face told him that he still had more to say. “How does this whole angel thing work? Shouldn't you like, know English?”

  


He'd be lying if he said those words didn't sting a bit once he got a grasp of their meaning.

  


“No, I.. no,” was all he could manage.

  


“What? They don't have like, angel school or-”

  


Connor was cut off by a knock on the door.

  


When Evan turned to look at who it was, he saw a woman-- the one from earlier, he thought. Connor's mom, and her name was Cynthia, he was confident in that.

  


Though, he quickly came to the realization that thinking of names wasn't exactly in his list of priorities.

  


Because Cynthia was staring right at him.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Awkward conversations with Cynthia and trying to figure things out.

He was frozen, dozens of thoughts running through his mind a mile a minute.

  


There was no way this was happening, why was she seeing him now?

  


If it weren't for the fact that she was making direct eye contact with him, he just might have been able to convince himself briefly that she was looking somewhere else, making something on the wall, because why would she be staring at him when she so obviously was unable to do just that not too long ago?

  


He mentally scolded his past self for not paying attention to all the bits and pieces of information that was passed around regarding how the whole guardian angel thing worked.

  


But okay, in his past self's defense, he really didn't grow up with intentions to become someone's unofficial angel.

  


Or a guardian angel in any way, shape, or form. Even his younger self knew that it sounded too dangerous, it was too much of a risk and he knew that sounded selfish but he really didn't want to end up being assigned to some reckless person and have to sacrifice himself so said person could continue on with their life. He knew it was a noble way to die, and there were plenty of kids back at home who dreamed of dying like that-- but not Evan, never Evan. He wasn't a hero, and he was sure he had been aware of that the very moment he opened his eyes.

  


“Connor, I didn't know you had a friend over?”

  


Evan really, really needed to learn how to keep himself from spacing out during moments like these. It was only a matter of time before something went wrong because of it.

  


Him and Connor exchanged a glance, and Connor looked every bit as confused as Evan felt. He knew it was probably wrong to be relieved to see that, but there was something comforting in knowing that he wasn't overreacting, that there was someone else to share this stressful moment with-- it sounded cruel, yes, but not having someone there to share the stress would've made things worse, and he wouldn't have been able to keep himself from hyperventilating.

  


“Wasn’t aware I had to tell you about every-fucking-thing going on in my life,” Connor shrugged. The venom in his voice made Evan flinch, and the anger that smothered the calm that was there no longer than a minute ago made him want to do anything for it to return.

  


Angry Connor wasn't something Evan enjoyed seeing, and he'd like to think that he was the only one who thought so.

  


But, when he glanced back over to Cynthia, it almost seemed as if this was the normal, a normal that didn't sting as much as it once did, but still left harm.

  


Cynthia's smile seemed more.. fake, he noted, as she spoke again. This time, it was obvious this was meant for Evan (unless humans just had this weird habit of staring at someone while talking to anyone that isn't the person they were looking at?? God, he hoped not.) and it made his heart sink because he definitely wasn't capable of processing anything correctly under normal circumstances but under this kind of pressure he was doomed to fail and then Cynthia would think he's an idiot and she wouldn't want people with half a functioning brain cell near her son and she'd actually end up being really mean and tell Evan to fuck off and he'd be too scared to do anything else because he obviously has no control over when people see him and he'd be lost and have this cast attached to his arm forever and

  


“What's your name, dear?”

  


He was thankful that Cynthia hadn't bothered to point out his panic (or she just hadn't noticed?) He was also grateful that this question was easy enough to answer, that it was something that didn't require thirty seconds of pure silence so he could conjure up some answer with like, two words.

  


“Evan.”

  


“Evan, what a lovely name!” Her voice was filled with so much.. forced enthusiasm that it made Evan want to cringe. Not only that but, she faintly reminded him of his mom-- how she'd congratulate him for his small accomplishments, fake a smile along with joy so not to hype up his anxiety.

  


He shoved that thought back. He needed to stop thinking of home; they probably hadn't noticed his disappearance, anyways.

  


“And how long have you and Connor been friends?”

  


Great, right into the questions he couldn't answer truthfully, back to the ones that required him to make up something believable on the spot.

  


He looked over to Connor, silently pleading for help along with forgiveness because there is no way anyone would want to be seen as Evan's friend and Connor was probably so disgusted and he really couldn't be mad about that because Evan hated himself too but for someone to think that they were friends had to be terrible--

  


“A few months,” Connor answered in a more empty and tired tone now. There was a hint of anger, but Evan thought that the exhaustion was more evident. “Now could you get out before you scare him off?” The anger was back again.

  


“Yes, in a minute.” Cynthia nodded, her focus still seemingly completely dedicated to Evan. If he could somehow manage to make himself disappear to escape this, he would.

  


“And how did you two meet?”

  


Evan wasn't liking this. He was positive that any more questions would end with him crying and Cynthia decided he was too much of a freak so she'd call security and they'd come to escort him out but they wouldn't be able to see him so they'd think she was crazy and Connor would get mad and he didn't want that to happen so he had to get his act together but that was easier said than done.

  


“School,” Connor answered again, and Evan allowed himself to relax a little. This was okay, Connor being the one answering the questions couldn't be  _ too  _ weird, right? He'd like to hope that, if it was, Cynthia would have said something about it, but she didn't, so Evan would take that as his reason to tell his anxiety to shut up for  _ one second. _

  


“Can you get out already? You're going to give Evan some sort of fucking heart attack,” Connor rolled his eyes.

  


Evan felt guilty, but he also felt thankful, which kind of added more to the guilt because what kind of jerk is thankful for someone's child being rude to them?

  


Cynthia nodded, “Right, of course, sorry, just checking in.” She stepped back, opening the door, “I'll visit again soon, okay? I love you.” She waited for a response that never came, and then left.

  


That was when the realization hit him that Cynthia hadn't pointed something out about his appearance that should've been the first thing she asked about.

  


_ His wings. _

  


“Wings,” he blurted to Connor, gesturing to them as best as he could. “Cynthia did not.. did not see?”

  


It didn't seem that he was going to get a response, however. In fact, Connor still seemed mad-- maybe even more so than he was with his mother. He hoped that was just his mind deciding to overreact and practically bully him instead of that being the truth; he wouldn't be able to handle that being the truth.

  


“What the fuck was that about?”

  


Did Evan mention yet that he had the worst luck known to man? Yeah? Too bad, he'll remind himself of that again and again because apparently, his anxiety was there for a good reason: to keep him from getting into situations like this, to prevent him from getting his hopes crushed; it was easier to have something happen that he already anticipated to rather than be surprised in the worst of ways.

  


“Oh, cut the shit.”

  


Evan flinched, stepping off the bed and holding his hands up in surrender.

  


“You're fucking with me, and I can't believe I thought otherwise. What's your deal, Evan? Do you think it's funny to make me look like more of a freak than I already do? Think it's entertaining to watch me fuck up? Well, congratulations, you've done just that. So now if you could so kindly just fuck off, I think we're both tired of each other now, don't you think?”

  


Even if Connor was still in bed, Evan couldn't help but feel as if he was towering above him, and he wanted nothing more than to just disappear right now, to hide from the glare he was receiving and to just feel safe for  _ one second-- _

  


“Evan?”

  


When he went to respond, the words didn't seem to come out, and he wanted to panic, but he couldn't. He only watched as Connor's eyes searched the room, as if looking for something. They didn't land on Evan once-- or rather, they went to the general area in which he was standing, but it didn't seem to him that they found what they were looking for.

  


_ “Evan I swear to fucking god.” _

  


He squinted, staring at Connor in complete and utter confusion, because he may have been hearing his voice, but his lips certainly weren't moving. It was also worth noting that his voice sounded.. clearer.

  


_ He can't see me _ , Evan realized, frowning. Could Connor's sudden lack of an ability to see him be affecting his own vision, too?

  


That was proven wrong in an instant when he heard the other speak again, searching the room more frantically this time around. “What the fuck?”

  


Evan waved his arms helplessly above him, knowing that it wasn't going spontaneously enable Connor to see him again, but there was a portion of him that needed to do it just to be sure.

  


_ Right here,  _ The words were meant to be verbally spoken, but his vocal cords were not willing to function, so maybe just  _ thinking  _ hard enough would work.

  


And thankfully, his ridiculous and totally impossible wish actually came true, because Connor was looking around again.

  


“Right where?”

  


_ Chair. _

  


“Why are you..” he frowned. “What are you doing?”

  


_ I don't know. _

  


Evan wasn't aware of what exactly was happening, and he truly had no idea how this was even possible, but he had to admit this was kind of.. cool.

  


Maybe, just maybe (but not maybe at all because the idea was still terrifying) if he'd known this was one of the perks of being someone's angel, he would have changed his mind on becoming one.

  


Also, why hadn't he known about this sooner? It just seemed so much.. easier to communicate like this, in a way that he wasn't able to put into words-- not that he was complaining. He'd take being able to understand someone and being able to respond to said person without getting a headache any day even if he had absolutely no idea how that worked.

  


If time travel ever became a thing, he'd gladly go back and tell himself to at least do something useful during all that time alone he had to himself and do research on guardian angels, even if it required communicating with others.

  


Evan would gladly communicate with someone for maybe five seconds and gain useful knowledge within that time rather than live with the constant fear that messing up could result in someone losing their life if he was clueless enough.

  


_ “Okay, yeah, fine. I'm not talking out loud anymore, fuck that, fuck him.” _

  


Evan paused, awkwardly shuffling to the side of the bed Connor was now facing. Even if Connor couldn't see him, he still wanted to respect personal boundaries, so he kept his distance.

  


_ I'm sorry. I know this is rude but I don't know what's happening or how to stop it but I can definitely hear you even though you're clearly not talking and I'm not doing it on purpose because I don't know how any of this works and that'd just be so, so mean and I'm sorry please don't get mad I don't know why any of this is happening but I'm trying to figure it out _

  


“Holy shit, if I knew you rambled this much, I wouldn't have offered to help you out with English.”

  


Evan's heart sank.

  


_ You don't need to worry about that because I'm probably way too stupid to learn anything anyways because obviously I can't even figure out how to do my job right so how could I ever manage to learn a language, right? _

  


“Woah, hey, that was a joke?”

  


Evan nodded, before realizing that Connor couldn't see him. Though, that didn't provoke him to say- or uh, think anything in response, because talking was still draining, as was panicking.

  


So he just, nodded again, and somehow, he knew he didn't need to respond. Connor seemed to stop listening for one after a minute filled with a lack of a response.

  


And then he watched Connor turn on his side again and fall asleep.

  


Things might be confusing, but Evan was going to figure out all he could about this. Connor was a kind person, and he was able to see that first hand, and wasn't relying on some rumor or hope.

  


Connor was a good person, and Evan was going to do everything he could to take this originally-fake-but-not-anymore job seriously and do everything in his power to protect Connor.

  


He deserved that much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soft and happy moments can't last forever because my outline says so.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Their last days in the hospital.

Sleep wasn’t on Evan’s list of priorities, and he truly didn’t feel the need to, so, he didn’t.   
  
Admittedly, he didn’t want to sleep partially because he was terrified of waking up to find someone sitting on him again—but that had to be a reasonable enough excuse, right? He couldn’t imagine that there was anyone who enjoyed people who couldn’t even see them sitting on time... he hoped there wasn’t anyone out there who enjoyed that??   
  
He was going to stop thinking now.   
  
Also, he needed to do something if he wasn’t going to sleep, right? Just sitting there for the entire night while someone else slept in that very room was.. Creepy, and not appreciated—at least, Evan wouldn’t appreciate it, and he didn’t enjoy the idea of angering someone if he could have prevented it.   
  
So he left the room, because it wouldn’t be too much of an issue if he decided to explore for a while, right? The only possible issue he could see is if this ended up being one of those times when people could see him; he really, really hoped it wasn’t like that this time.   
  
He would figure out this entire “existing and then not existing in front of people” thing soon enough, but right now he wanted something to do, wanted to explore and not end up getting lost along the way. Going outside seemed nice, but sneaking back into the building (if he even managed to find his way back to said building) was something he didn’t want to face. Not now. Probably not ever.   
  
Why were hospitals this bright all the time? Evan had like, no concept of time inside of here. It could be three in the morning and still seemed as busy as it would twelve hours ago. He really hoped that not all buildings were like this; not having access to something as simple as the knowledge to know the gist of what time of day it was was really messing with him.   
  
The moment he stepped out the door, a woman speed-walked passed him... er, rephrasing, she managed to speed walk through him.   
  
Okay, that seemed like good enough reassurance to know that people couldn’t see him. It also helped to know that, if he walked into people, they wouldn’t just.. Lose their balance and like, die.   
  
That didn’t mean he was just going to start walking into people, though. Evan practically had “bad luck” written all over him, and he felt that, if he just purposely decided to run into someone, they would end up falling and dying. So, yeah, just keep avoiding running into people like his life depended on it.   
  
Because maybe it did.   
  
As we wandered the halls, he heard many things.. felt many things. It was.. Weird. And devastating. He didn’t want to do that again.   
  
Too much that happened in a building that never went to sleep; life, death, and everything in between.   
  
He walked back into Connor’s room.   
  
Connor was still sleeping, and the idea of sitting there while he slept still felt wrong, so he tried to distract himself.   
  
But how is he supposed to do that in a building that was both alive and dead? The lights may have been on, and the people might have never seemed to sleep, but it was bland and dead on the inside. The people who wandered the halls this late had bags under their eyes, he’d noticed some people with blood on their clothes, shaking their heads, blaming themselves. He’d seen families cry because of both joy and devastation.   
  
The halls were bland and the rooms were no different.   
  
Hospitals truly were a nightmare. He hoped Connor would get to leave soon.   
  
During the rest of what he could only assume was the night, he spent pacing, trying to distract himself with small things—which was, again, ridiculously difficult because hospitals were bland and boring and had nothing to offer.   
  
It might have only taken Connor a few hours to finally wake, but for Evan, it felt longer. But that was reasonable, right? He might have had the option of simply sleeping the time away, but, he just couldn’t. So, it wasn’t as if it was an actual option to him.   
  
When Connor finally starting waking, Evan practically jumped for joy.   
  
“Morning!”   
  
But Connor sat up, rubbed at his eyes, glanced at Evan, and went back to sleep.   
  
Which was.. Fair, he guessed. Who was he to complain about someone wanting to get more sleep? Evan often did that too; wake up, decide he didn’t want to face the day just yet, go back to sleep, repeat until you absolutely can’t sleep any longer.   
  
But, that didn't mean it didn't upset him.   
  
He wasn't sure how much longer he waited, but Connor didn't wake up on his own the next time, it was a nurse knocking on the door and speaking, something about a visitor or something.   
  
Connor groaned in protest and threw the covers over himself, but that didn't seem to do anything to stop said visitor from walking into the room and taking a seat; Evan was glad he had decided to move when he did.   
  
It was Zoe again.   
  
Now that he thought about it, it was probably just as weird to stand there and listen to a conversation that one of the participants was completely unaware he was listening to as it was to sit and watch Connor sleep.   
  
But Connor hadn't yelled at him in the past, and all he could do was hope that today wouldn't be any different-- which was just a bit more difficult to be sure of then it probably needed to be. Connor was still kind of confusing, but who was Evan to complain about that? There were times when Evan went as far as confusing himself, so.   
  
“Mom and dad are arguing again,” was Zoe's opening line.   
  
Connor still looked tired, and Evan felt bad, because he really seemed to be in need of more rest. He rubbed at his eyes and sat up.   
  
“Woah, breaking news, that'll be all over the cover of Time magazine by next week. I mean, who would've thought that the Murphy family could ever be anything but perfect?” Connor responded. The words seemed took on a different meaning than Connor's tone, and it really didn't help with Evan's poor comprehension skills.   
  
It was weird to go from being able to understand Connor's thoughts back to struggling to put words together.   
  
Was it possible to do that again? Or was it just a one time thing?   
  
He hoped Connor wouldn't mind him trying it out.   
  
But there wasn't even a chance it would work the way it did last time, right? Maybe he didn't even need to worry about Connor's reaction because he was the world's most useless angel.   
  
How did he even manage last time? Did it have to do with how frustrated Connor was towards him? He wished that wasn't it; there was no way Evan was going to purposely piss someone off just for the sake of his own convenience. He'd go back to trying out this whole “shove the vague definitions of every word you hear into a sentence until you create some weird Frankenstein’s monster-ish sort of meaning to it all that you can just barely manage to understand but literally no one else would get it if they asked you to explain the meaning” thing.   
  
Okay, so not knowing how he managed last time certainly was a bit of a setback, but Evan didn’t want to give up on that now.  So, he settled for the most obvious method, of course.   
  
He just thought really, really hard about how he wanted to try and somehow get access to Connor’s mind. He thought about it so hard, in fact, that he ended up getting a headache.   
  
And had yet to succeed.   
  
Yeah, fine, he wasn’t getting anywhere with this, and he kind of feared the thought that him trying to think that hard made him look stupid.   
  
Or, more so than he typically managed to look.   
  
“Connor, this isn’t a joke!” Zoe huffed. “It sounded more serious this time.”   
  
“And what about it, Zoe? Unless it’s physical, then I don’t see why I should give a fuck.”   
  
_ Come on, Evan, C'mon. Thinkthinkthink-- _   
  
“Connor, can you at least pretend to care for five seconds? Jesus, it’s just about the only good thing you might be able to do without fucking it up!”   
  
Ouch, okay, definitely not the thing Evan wanted to end up comprehending. Add “world’s worst timing” to his list of talents.   
  
Ouch ouch ouch he felt angry but it wasn’t his anger that was definitely Connor’s and since when was he able to barge in on people’s emptions too this was overwhelming how did other angels manage to do this and who would ever willingly put themselves through this and not to mention that Connor’s mind was kind of running a mile a minute and it was all too much--   
  
And then the anger shifted into something else. Connor went from anger to sadness all too fast, and Evan was truly struggling to keep up with it.   
  
_ Connor, calm down, please? Uh, try getting her to leave? I don’t think having her in here with you is helping with this. _   
  
_ Fuck off _ Was the only mental response he got. Even in his thoughts, Connor could tell how tired Connor was; though, admittedly, “tired” didn’t really cover it—There was an attempt at anger, but it was weak and Connor was truly just emotionally exhausted and Evan didn’t know what to do but all he knew was that Connor definitely wasn’t in the right state of mind to be dealing with his sister yelling at him and he needed to help but he couldn’t because he was just that useless and pathetic and why couldn’t he just do this one simple thing it wasn’t even that difficult compared to saving someone’s life but here he was panicking about it because he truly was just that pathetic--   
  
And then something.. Shifted? Changed? Something was different, and he didn’t know what up until the thoughts that were responding to him spoke up.   
  
_ Connor please just listen, our family is falling apart and I can’t hold it together, mom can’t hold it together, and you and dad certainly can’t when you’re both constantly at each other’s throats... _   
  
Okay. Wow. Another level of completely disregarding others privacy has been reached by the one and only Evan Hansen.   
  
It still felt different here, the more he thought of it. With Connor, he felt much louder, he felt like he would be heard and noticed no matter what Connor would try to do to prevent it, and Connor’s own thoughts were also louder and easier to hear and comprehend. But with Zoe? It was more.. Distant. He felt like nothing but a tiny voice in the back of her mind, and things were just slightly more difficult to understand here. The clarity he found with Connor wasn’t something he found with Zoe.   
  
If he felt different here, then he hoped that meant that communication wouldn’t be any more difficult; all of this was one giant puzzle and he wasn’t ready to try and found out how he was supposed to communicate with anyone who wasn’t Connor or the people who had put the cast on his arm.   
  
But, he guessed that if he was here, then it was because of his want to help out, and if he really needed to sacrifice his comfort and get a headache for the sake of helping Connor, he’d do just that.   
  
_ Mom wants you home soon, you need to help out with dinner _ .   
  


_ Fuck, right. _ __   
__   
__ Then Zoe stood up, and he felt everything shift again—but he wasn’t back in Connor’s head, he was back to being himself. Connor gave him a questioning glance, and he only shrugged because this was something that would have to wait a while longer for a proper explanation because he wasn’t in the mood to invade Connor’s thoughts and emotions again; it made him feel kind of guilty and that guilt led to him feeling kind of sick.   
  
When Zoe left the room after briefly explaining that mom wanted her to be home soon, Connor finally spoke to him.   
  
“Why can I see you?”   
  
“I don’t know.”   
  
“Can other people see their angels?”   
  
“I don’t know.”   
  
“Why are you always talking to me?”   
  
“Because I am not good at my job.”   
  
Connor laughed.   
  
  
The rest of the days passed by fairly quickly, the two of them trying to find out what Evan could do, and also just Connor trying to help Evan out with his communication skills. It was nice, even if he was kind of frustrated when he heard that Connor still had to stay in the hospital for a few more days. Something about keeping watch of him.   
  
And when the day finally came that Connor would be free of the hospital, Evan nearly cried because of how joyful that made him.   
  
Spending time with Connor in the hospital could only make the entire thing so barrable.   
  
He was ready to go back outside and enjoy having the privilege of knowing what time of day it is rather than having to guess.   
  
“Connor,” Evan spoke, the other looked up from the book he was reading to show that he was listening, and so he continued. “When you.. When you get out, where will I, uh, go?”   
  
Connor looked completely confused, and Evan began to panic because of course when he was finally becoming confident in his English is when he manages to completely butcher a sentence because that was just his luck, wasn’t it? But what if Evan really hadn’t been improving and Connor was just getting really good at pretending to understand what had been said but now he truly was a lost cause because he clearly couldn’t even get that right--   
  
“You’re staying with me?”   
  
Evan frowned, he thought that he had managed to explain why he couldn’t go home to Connor by now, but clearly he had failed to do that.

 

“I can't,” he sighed, gesturing to his cast. “Balance isn't… uh, balance is hard.”

 

Connor didn't really seem to believe it, (or maybe he just didn't understand what Evan was trying to say?) but he didn't say anything about it, and Evan didn't bother with trying to ask what was wrong because talking was difficult.

 

“We'll see what'll work when we get there,” he shrugged.

 

“Thank you,” Evan said, because what else was he supposed to say to that?

 

Connor didn't seem too sure about the idea of letting Evan stay with him, but who was he to complain about that? (Not that he wanted to.)

 

A simple refusal to let him stay with him wasn't going to discourage Evan from going through with doing his kind-of-but-not-really-job.   
  


 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hhngfhff I kind of feel like this drags on, but hopefully that'll improve now that I'm not confining the two of them in a hospital.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Awkward car rides and Connor's first day back at school.

Connor's family came to pick Connor up from the hospital, it was awkward and silent and really the only positive event to happen was Evan's realization that they couldn't see him. He will admit that every time one of them even turned a head in his direction, he freaked out.

  


But they didn't acknowledge him, and not for the first time in his life, he was thankful for that.

  


It wasn't until they finally got in the car when Evan felt he had the right to complain.

  


First of all, having wings that could well extend past the width of the can didn't help.

  


Secondly, having to sneak into a car and cram himself into the middle seat wasn't the best feeling in the world.

  


Lastly, the arguing didn't start until the car doors were shut.

  


“We're getting sick of these stunts, Connor,” Larry spoke as the car started up, both noises causing him to flinch.

  


Connor didn't respond, he kept his gaze outside the window.

  


“You do understand that you're doing nothing but waste all of our time, right? Do you have any idea energy and money you're throwing away because of this 'depression’ nonsense?”

  


Evan still might not have been able to fully understand all of this, but what little he could helped him come to the conclusion that Larry Murphy was extremely ignorant.

  


Connor was angry, Evan could conclude that not only because of how rude Larry's words were but because he just… could. It was almost as if he himself could  _ feel  _ the emotion, but it was faint..ish.

  


“Larry, dear, I think he's had enough for one day. Let him rest,” Cynthia spoke up when the silence seemed to become too much even for the bystanders.

  


Evan liked to think that, if he could muster up the courage to talk to Cynthia, he might thank her. That was extremely unlikely, however, because who thanks someone in the middle of an argument they're not apart of?

  


The idea made him think of having a casual conversation with Cynthia while Connor and Larry just.. fought. He felt bad for kind of laughing at the thought of it. To add on to his guilt, Connor had shot him a nasty glare, and in the back of his mind he heard someone tell him to shut up.

  


So, he focused his gaze on his lap and clenched and unclenched his fists, barely audible as he murmured a quick, “Sorry.”

  


And the remainder of the ride was in silence.

  


If this was how all family's here communicated, he was thankful that he didn't end up being born into one. Awkward silences were one of the best times for his anxious thoughts to completely spiral out of control.

  


Thankfully, he was just short of time to spiral into an anxiety attack, because the vehicle came to a stop. (He felt kind of nauseous from the thing, did everyone who sat in cars feel that way after that? He hoped not, or else what other reason would they have to go through it aside from traveling convince?)

  


Connor opened his door, and seemed to completely forget about Evan's entire existence (which was fair, Evan wished he could do the same.) because just as he began scooting his was out of the vehicle and just barely deciding to go and poke his arm out, the door was slammed right on it.

  


Pros to the door being slammed on to his already injured arms: he still had one very lucky and very functional arm.

  


Cons: the severe amount of pain that was caused when the door slammed into it.

  


He yelped, and Connor turned back, mumbling a quiet but still audible “shit” as he went to open the door again. (Although Evan didn't need him to do that, the door was still.. kind of open, he was just, frozen in pain, yeah.)

  


“Connor, hurry up!” Zoe called out from the doorway of the house.

  


“Fuck off, I almost forgot my phone,” was his response, and he turned to look at Evan. “Hurry up before they see me talking to someone who isn't there and decide to take another field trip down to the psych ward.. or rehab.”

  


So Evan did just as he was told and scrambled out of the car as fast as he could manage, nearly falling over in the process. Once he was out and had his balance figured out, he began to stretch. Just because he was capable of helping his wings take up less space didn't mean that it wasn't uncomfortable.

  


He whined when Connor started walking towards the door, following after a moment of hesitance.

  


Being outside sounded really nice right now, and that was a lot coming from a kid who had been forced to stay outside for a week at most against his own will due to some trap with teeth.

  


_ ‘Evan.’  _ the back of his mind scolded, and he rushed into the house, almost immediately stopping once he made his way inside. This place was.. huge, to say the very least.

  


When he turned back around to make an attempt at asking Connor if all houses were as big as this one was, he wasn't there.

  


Which, of course, led to his mind thinking the worst of things. What if Connor really wasn't interested in helping Evan out and ended up leading him into some sort of weird lab place?

  


He wasn't given much time to start mentally rambling. His eyes had begun to frantically search around the area, and landed on Connor at the top of the staircase, who was gesturing wildly towards himself.

  


“Sorry!” He called out, scrambling up the stairs after him.

  


Luck still doesn't seem to be something that likes Evan at all, because once he had just barely made it over to Connor, he tripped over his own foot.

  


But Connor was there, and he seemed to just intimidate bad luck into giving Evan a break, so he grabbed onto his hand and pulled him upright.

  


“Sorry.”

  


“Stop saying that,’ he mumbled, gesturing towards what had to be his room. The angel speed walked inside, standing awkwardly in the middle of the room, at the floor because he figured that that would somehow manage to be rude and he didn't enjoy being told he was doing something wrong because then the person would be angry at him and he'd cry and apologize then they'd get even madder--

  


“Sorry about the door, that's been gone for a while,” Connor spoke, turning back to him.

  


“I, oh, it's- it's okay.”

  


He may or may not have managed to forget what the door was called and had therefore been mentally referring to it as the ‘shuty bendy thing.’

  


“You can sit down, you know that, right?”

  


“Yes, I, yes, thank you,” he nodded, letting himself sit on the ground.

  


“There are chairs too, I swear they aren't as shitty as the hospital one was.”

  


“No, the floor, the floor is okay.”

  


Connor opened his mouth, as if he were to argue against that, but shut it again once a knock on the wall interrupted him.

  


“Connor dear? Who are you talking to?” Cynthia questioned.

  


“Too lazy to type, text to speech is easier right now,” he answered, holding his phone up.

  


Cynthia nodded, and seemed to come to the understanding that the current conversation had no potential of going anywhere.

  


“Dinner will be ready soon,” she said, walking away.

  


“Would it kill you to keep doing that mind reading shit instead of making me look like a psycho?” He didn't sound too angry, but he was definitely nearing complete anger. The tone in his voice made Evan flinch.

  


He sighed, laying back on to the floor and closing his eyes, trying to concentrate on getting back into Connor's head. Knowing that Connor had basically told him to do it made him feel a little less guilty about doing it. Just a little.

  


_ “Do you think you'll be okay if I sleep? I don't uh, I don't think I can remember the last time I slept and it's finally hitting me,”  _ Evan said.

  


_ “Aside from Larry giving me shit? Yeah, I'm fine,”  _ Connor stood up from the bed. “ _ You can sleep there if you want.” _

  


_ “What? Nononono, I'm okay here. The floor is comfortable,”  _ Okay, so that wasn't exactly a lie, but it wasn't the truth ever; anything was an upgrade from the forest ground, but it definitely wasn't the most comfortable thing he'd ever slept on.

  


Connor snorted, and then he shrugged. “ _ Yeah, okay, have fun with that.” _

  


And he left the room.

  


Evan felt kind of guilty for declining the offer that Connor had given him, but he reminded himself that he would have felt even more terrible if he woke to find Connor sleeping on the ground.

  


He also might have just been a little too tired to give it much thought, saying that he couldn't remember the last time he slept wasn't a lie. He either hadn't slept in forever or lack of sleep was messing with his ability to think. Or both.

  


He rubbed yawned, laying back onto the ground.

  


He earned the privilege to rest for now.

  


…..

  


Apparently, he needed more than just a two-hour nap, because when he woke up, it was to Zoe standing in the doorway, yelling at Connor. Something about leaving him behind if he wasn't ready.

  


He wanted to sleep more, but unfortunately for Evan, once he was up, he was up.

  


However, for Connor it seemed that was not the case; he sat up, glared at the entrance of his room, and lay back down. He may not have been asleep yet, but Evan suspected that it wouldn't be too long before he did end up snoring away.

  


He frowned, slowly making his way to his feet. He'd feel terrible if Connor ended up getting in trouble when he could have done something to stop it.

  


“Connor,” he called out, his voice just barely above a whisper.

  


No response to that one, which was fair; Evan probably wouldn't have heard it either.

  


“Connor,” he tried again, a little louder.

  


No response again.

  


So, he went decided to try his weird mind invasion thing that he didn't have a name for yet and probably never would. Maybe he should ask Connor if there was a proper way to refer to it. But later because obviously that wasn't anywhere near his list of priorities right now.

  


_ “I’m really sorry about this but you need to get up because I'd really hate to see you get yelled at so please just get ready for the day because I also heard something about school being really important and that's what Zoe was talking about so missing out on school would just be a really, really bad idea-”  _

  


“Holy fuck, get out of my head and stop rambling!” He snapped.

  


Evan did get out of his head, but he did so before he was even given the time to put an effort into it of his own free will.

  


Okay, so knowing that Connor could easily throw him out of his mind was reassuring-- if he didn't want Evan there, he could either tell him or just.. kick him out.

  


The only complaint he had about being kicked out was that he had felt some sort of mental connection with Connor, like Connor's thoughts had occupied a part of his brain.

  


That part of his brain was silent now. It made him feel uneasy. Not that he was going to say anything about it, because why would he risk ruining Connor's mood even more just because of a slight discomfort he was feeling?

  


Thankfully, despite Connor's mood, he was finally stepping out of bed.

  


“Are you coming?”

  


“What?”

  


“Are you coming with me to school or are you staying here?” He clarified.

  


“..Can I go with you?”

  


“Yeah, sure,” he shrugged, stepping out of the doorway, and pausing when he noticed that Evan made no move to get up. “Come on, Zoe's gonna kick my ass if I'm not seating down in the car in like, thirty seconds.”

  
  


“Right, okay, sorry,” he nodded, following after him.

  


“Stop saying that,” he sighed.

  


“Sorry.”

  


Cynthia spoke up before Connor could say anything, but that didn't stop him from giving Evan a look that just sort of radiated annoyance.

  


“Have fun at school! Love you!”

  


Connor didn't bother replying to her, walking out the door and nearly slamming it, but seemed to decide against the idea when he remembered that Evan still existed. The horn blared as he stepped out of the house, causing him to jump.

  


Then he turned to look at the car, and froze, because not only was it a loud and scary death machine on wheels, he also had no idea how Connor was going to help him sneak into this one.

  


He exchanged a glance with Connor, trying to express all his worries in the millisecond that they made eye contact. Connor sighed, and made his way to the back seat rather than the front, letting Evan hurriedly climb in first.

  


The car ride to the school consisted of Zoe commenting on how weird Connor was acting, Connor responding with telling her to fuck off, Zoe turning on music that Connor complained about, which had ultimately caused Zoe to turn said music up louder.

  


It kind of gave Evan a headache, but Connor obviously wasn't able to do anything about the situation (how would he manage to explain that? ‘hey, there's an angel in our backseat and you're putting him through hell right now.’) He opted to stay quiet the rest of the way there.

  


The moment he saw the parking lot, along with the many different people walking into the building, Evan began to panic.

  


Sure, staying in Connor's room would have not only been boring and he would've somehow managed to worry himself into panicking every time he heard a noise because oh yikes someone would be able to see him and then queue the whole scientist scenario that's been on repeat in his head, but at least he wouldn't have had to be surrounded by.. all of this.

  


He was already emotionally drained and he hadn't even stepped out of the car yet.

  


Which

  


oops

  


Connor was waiting for him, trying to (as subtly as humanly possible) gesture for him to get out.

  


“Oh, I, sorry,” he stammered.

  


Connor only shrugged, shutting the door after him. Zoe was long gone by now.

  


If it weren't for how tall Connor was, Evan was absolutely positive that he would've lost him the moment they made it inside.

  


“Connor, hey!” A voice called out, Connor sighed, rubbing at his forehead, as if mentally preparing himself for what was to come. Evan frowned, if whoever was talking to Connor did anything remotely close to bullying him, Evan would…

  


He didn't know what he'd do, actually. Probably just angry cry and then cry some more for being angry, and “I'll cry at you” didn't sound threatening at all.

  


“So, I know you've been absent for the last couple weeks, and I'm so happy to see that you're okay! But, you are behind in all your classes, so I'm volunteering to tutor you! I'd hate to see a fellow classmate fail during their senior year. My schedule is kind of full, but i'd be happy to meet up with you during lunch!” She reached into her bag, pulling out a folder filled with papers. “I also took it upon myself to take notes for you in the classes we share. I know it looks like a lot, but I'm sure that with my help, you'll get through it in no time!” She reassured him, holding the folder out to Connor, who took it and shoved it into his bag immediately.

  


Then, she turned staring directly at Evan. He froze.

  


This couldn't be happening again, could it? Nononono he thought he finally wouldn't have to worry about people seeing him and wow he really should have just hid in Connor's room all day (even if phrasing it like that sounded kind of creepy.)

  


“Hello! You must be new, I'm Alana!” She grinned, holding out her hand.

  


He and Connor exchanged a glance, Evan shrugged as subtly as he could manage.

  


“Uh, Evan,” he spoke, shaking her hand.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cafe's, walks to the park, and ditching school.

He has absolutely no idea how or why Alana can see him, and he feels kind of sick, but he doesn't want to panic in front of.. well, anyone really, but panicking in front of strangers is an idea that, ironically enough, makes him panic a little more.

  


Evan chances a look at Connor, who looks just as shocked as he feels; though, judging from how confused Alana seems to be, eyes flickering from the two of them, it's only best that he assume he looks shocked too.

  


Which is fair, he isn't going to beat himself up for that. How was he supposed to prepare for this? Not only was it frightening, but it was saddening too. He was only now beginning to think he had control over who could and couldn't see him.

  


He shouldn't be so surprised about turning out to be incorrect. He's probably wrong, like, 99% of the time.

  


But still.

  


He's back to feeling lost and powerless in this situation, and he's positive that angels are supposed to be the ones who have an idea of what the do.

  


“I don't believe I've seen you around here, are you new?”

  


“New? Uh, yeah- yes, definitely,” he manages to stammer out.

  


“Oh! So then Connor must be your guide, right?” She says, her attention shifting towards Connor.

  


“Yeah, and he's gonna be late if we don't hurry.”

  


“Right, right, sorry. Hey, Evan, if you ever need any help, I'm happy to help you with studies, or any other questions that you might have, and Connor? I know you've missed a lot of work, and I'm available during lunch if you need help catching up. I'll be emailing you the notes you've missed in the classes we share later on, okay?”

  


The both of them nod, Evan waving back while Alana makes her way down the hall.

  


It isn't until she's turned the corner that Connor pulls him away, right outside of the school.

  


“Connor? What are we..”

  


“Okay, so, here's the problem: Alana might think you go here, but you don't, meaning you don't have classes. You can't exactly go anywhere and I don't know if I'm willing to risk letting you go with me. I don't think either of us would enjoy you being some random kid standing in the back of the classroom hyperventilating because the teacher decided to ask who you were.”

  


Evan holds up his hand; a signal they've decided upon when he needs to express that he needs a little longer than usual to figure out what's being said. He's definitely gotten better, but he still has a long way to go before he can comfortably say that he can listen to someone say more than fifteen words and his brain decide not to shut down on him.

  


“You can leave me here,” he nods. He doesn't enjoy the idea of it, but he'll go through with it if it's what happens to be necessary.

  


Connor laughs, shaking his head. “No, I'm skipping.”

  


“But, isn't that.. bad?”

  


“Of course it is,” he snorts. “But I needed a reason to get out of here anyway, no come on.”

  


And with that, they're walking.

  


And walking.

  


...and walking.

  


And he isn't too sure how much time has passed before he finally manages to tell his anxiety to shut up for a second so he can speak.

  


“Where are we going?”

  


“No idea.”

  


Then it's silent again and he kind of wishes his anxiety had managed to consume him earlier instead of backing off.

  


“Are you hungry?” Connor asks, and Evan's thankful for it because he had really been accepting the fact that maybe he just shouldn't start conversations because they never seem to end well.

  


He shrugs, “I don't know.”

  


“You know, I don't think I've seen you eat at all. Do angels eat?”

  


“At home, yes. Here? I don't.. I don't really feel hungry.”

  


“Huh,” Connor takes a moment to think about it. “How about we stop somewhere and see if you can?”

  


“If you want.”

  


“I'm not asking what I want,” he frowns.

  


“Then, yeah, uh, yeah, sure. We can.. yeah,” he stammers. “Sorry, that was weird.”

  


“You need to learn to not apologize for everything.”

  


“Right, uh..”

  


Connor snorts and rolls his eyes, “I'm serious.”

  


“Okay.”

  


This silence is an improvement. He doesn't feel like he needs to say anything, but the thought of adding something more to keep a conversation going doesn't terrify him as much.

  


They arrive at a small cafe, and Connor guides him over to a table, telling him to wait there while he orders their drinks.

  


When he comes back, he informs Evan that they need to wait, and he nods.

  


“I'm sorry,” he blurts out.

  


He's been staring at the table, and Will's himself to look up at Connor when a response doesn't come right away.

  


Connor doesn't look angry, just confused.

  


“I'm sorry for, for Alana,” he tries to clarify, wincing when he realizes that his attempt at clarification wasn't successful.

  


He holds up a hand, thankful to notice Connor nodding and waiting for him to find a way to put his thoughts to words.

  


“I can't.. she wasn't supposed to see me. I ruined your day, you're here instead of there and that's.. that's not okay. You're mad, right? You can be. It's my fault, I don't know why I can't even-”

  


“Hey, Evan, slow down,” Connor interrupts. “You didn't ruin anything. Actually, this might be the first time I've skipped and actually done something useful.”

  


“That's.. you shouldn't.. I can stay in the car, or at home- er, your room next time.”

  


“You're fine, really, don't stress too much over it. You aren't ruining the life of anyone useful, just me.”

  


A lady at the counter calls out Connor's name, and he stands, but Evan reaches out for his arm before he can leave, frowning.

  


“You shouldn't say that. You are very nice and useful and you're the best person I've ever met.”

  


Connor doesn't say anything, he only stares at Evan, stepping away to get their drinks.

  


When he comes back, he sets a muffin and a cup in front of Evan, who's staring blankly at a napkin on the table. Connor clears his throat, Evan reaches for the muffin.

  


“Thank you.”

  


“Yeah, sure.”

  


They're back to that suffocating silence again, and it makes him squirm in his seat.

  


He takes a bite of the muffin and shrugs. He's not hungry, but he isn't exactly full either.

  


Evan points to the cup in front of him, “What's that? Or, uh, sorry, that sounds rude.”

  


He picks it up and takes a drink, instantly regretting his decision as the liquid burns his tongue. He coughs and spits it out, all over himself.

  


“I- sorry, oh my, I'm sorry,” he stammers.

  


“Shit,” is all Connor says in response, and before Evan can do anything about it, Connor's up and standing next to him, hands full of napkins and helping him clean up the mess as best as he can manage.

  


“Sorry,” he repeats.

  


“No, I should be the one apologizing,” he shakes his head. “Shit, sorry, I didn't think to tell you that it was hot. I'll warn you next time, okay?”

  


Evan nods.

  


“Fuck, do you wanna go somewhere else? Maybe to my place, get you a change of clothes.”

  


“No, not to your place,” he says, because something's telling him that Connor's going to get into trouble when they go back, and he doesn't want to witness that yet-- well, preferably, he wishes to never see Connor get into trouble, but he doesn't believe it's something they can avoid, so he would at least like to postpone it for now.

  


“How about the park?”

  


And Evan nods, then they gather their things and leave.

  


He's decided on keeping the beverage and muffin with him, because he knows that Connor paid for these and he would hate to waste whatever he paid the place for these, even if he doesn't need them.

  


It's more walking, and he can definitely begin to feel a breeze, but he doesn't think it's too bad.

  


When he feels they've gone long enough without talking, he holds the drink out in front of Connor.

  


“What is this?”

  


“It's hot chocolate.”

  


“Hot chocolate,” he repeats, then nods to himself.

  


“How far is the park?” He asks, hoping that Connor doesn't snap at him for asking too many questions.

  


“Fifteen minutes, maybe,” he shrugs. “It once took me, like, an hour to get there, but I was high and obviously had no idea where I was going.”

  


“High?”

  


“Yeah, it's uh,” he pauses, frowns, then shrugs. “Ever hear of drugs?”

  


“I think I saw a.. a thing on the TV about drugs being bad.”

  


“Don't lecture me, please.” He rolls his eyes. “But yeah, doing drugs gets you high.”

  


“Connor, you shouldn't-”

  


“Don't.”

  


“Sorry.”

  


“Don't be, and don't worry too much about it, okay? I'm not an idiot.”

  


“I.. did I say you were an idiot?” Evan gasps. “No, i- you aren't. You're anything but an idiot and I'm so sorry--”

  


“You didn't say anything about me being an idiot.”

  


“Right, uh, yeah, sorry.”

  


Connor sighs and continues walking.

  


They don't talk until they finally arrive, Connor pulling out his phone to check the time.

  


“We’ve got two hours if I want to at least get back there before Zoe kicks my ass.”

  


“Okay.”

  


He leads them to the swings, and Evan loses his balance the moment he sits on it the first time, tumbling backwards into the sand. It's a ruffle of feathers and pure panic, but when he finally manages to sit back up and begin wiping the sand away, he hears Connor laughing.

  


And he laughs too.

  


“What is..” he starts, pointing to the ground.

  


“It's sand.”

  


“Thank you,” he nods. “Sand isn't fun, it's everywhere.”

  


Evan shakes himself trying to free himself from the sandy prison, but gives up quickly and makes a second attempt at sitting on the swing. He's more successful this time around.

  


“Sor- uh,” he stops himself. “Nevermind, sorry.”

  


Once he's realized his mistake, Evan sighs loudly.

  


“You're fine.”

  


He watches as Connor kicks his legs, and tries to follow after him.

  


They're back to comfortable silence, and he hopes it doesn't disappear as quickly as it happened to earlier on.

  


“Tell me about your home,” Connor says suddenly, “What's it like up there?”

  


And Evan closes his eyes, tries to picture it, relive in the moment.

  


But it doesn't happen. It feels.. fuzzy, all he can remember are certain emotions and thoughts, but even those are vague.

  


“I.. I wasn't happy there. I was alone a lot, no one really.. I guess I wasn't important to anyone there?”

  


“You guess?”

  


“It's weird,” he mumbles, “Home isn't here, you don't have the solid ground or.. anything, really. I've interacted with a few others, but they were just.. mean.”

  


He holds up his hand, tries to process his thoughts, then nods to himself.

  


“I think we were all lost. I think I still am lost? I.. I don't know? I just, I remember something telling me about the world below, about how life could be so much better here. I've heard the tales of angels who've fallen and never returned, and the ones who came back as heroes.”

  


Connor nods. He opens his mouth, closes it, opens it again, pauses. He kind of looks like a gaping fish, and it makes Evan snort.

  


“How did you manage to injure yourself? I mean, you must have wings for a reason?”

  


“I can't fly.”

  


“You're telling me that you, a creature with wings, cannot fly?”

  


“I- okay, I, I sort of can? It's just.. hard.”

  


“Why are you here?” Connor asks suddenly, and it catches him by surprise. The answer to that question is something he doesn't think he's ready to admit out loud.

  


“I'm here to protect you,” he tries.

  


“I don't think I believe that.”

  


“But I… I saved you.”

  


“Yeah? And just about anyone else could have if they walked by. Why are you here?”

  


“Don't leave me,” he says. “Please don't leave me alone and I will tell you everything.”

  


He knows how pathetic it sounds, he's painfully aware of it, actually. He knows that Connor has every right to leave him in the park and never speak to him again, and he gets that, he won't get mad if it happens.

  


But he at least wants to pretend he isn't some huge burden for once, pretend he has some who'll listen to him without being judged.

  


If he can just pretend, for only a moment, then he can learn to cope with being ditched afterward.

  


“Yeah, sure,” Connor nods, and Evan grips onto the chains of the swing, leaning backward and staring up at the sky.

  


He needs a second, that's all.

  


“Home isn't what humans dream of,” he starts, still staring up at the clouds.

  


He isn't sure if he wants to look at Connor while he says this, doesn't know if he can handle the shock to come-- the inevitable disappointment.

  


_ Pretend. _

  


“I hear tales of paradise, forever,” he laughs bitterly and shakes his head.

  


“Home isn't paradise. I don't think I've ever felt safe at home. Home isn't really home, just a place for the lost angels to sit.”

  


He closes his eyes, swings a little higher.

  


“The more I think about it, the more I realize that I feel like something's been missing-- an explanation, a reason. I've never had a true purpose.”

  


_ Breathe, Evan. Breathe. _

  


“I got.. tired. I was so, so tired of it all. I felt so lost, home isn't paradise, it's hell. A prison with one escape.”

  


He holds up his hand, bringing it to wipe his nose while he blinks rapidly.

  


“The thoughts of down below got.. louder. At one point, I thought I could start new here, but that's.. it was hopeless. Angels who fall never get back up, they never get to return unless they've proven their worth. The world? Here?” He points to the ground. “Falling from the heavens seems high enough to never have to worry about returning. I thought that the falling angels never returned because there was nothing left that could return.”

  


He's higher now, he thinks this is as high as the swing can go.

  


“I jumped.” He manages, his voice barely above a whisper.

  


There's no response, the only reassurance he has that Connor's still there is the creaking of the chains.

  


Which goes silent, making his heart sink.

  


But he isn't given any time to stammer out an apology before someone's stopped the swing and wrapped their arms around him.

  


He hugs back.

  


“Let's watch over each other, yeah?”

  


“Okay.”

  


Evan doesn't realize he's crying until he hears his own shaky intake of breath, followed by a sniffle.

  


He hugs Connor a little tighter and tries to ignore that he's being too much of a freak right now, that crying on someone's shoulder is just more proof of how much of a mess he is.

  


Yet somehow, he doesn't feel all too bad about it.

  


He feels safe.

  


He feels at home.

  



	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Something's.. off."
> 
> He should have known that things couldn't remain so calm for much longer.

It feels nice to have someone hold him.

 

For a moment, he could have sworn that the world had just.. fell together, perfectly. For a moment, everything was as perfect as it could get.

 

But as the moments went on, he realizes that he doesn't have what he'd personally consider a valid enough reason for Connor to continue hugging.

 

Also, there's a constant vibrating noise and he's assuming that it's Connor's phone. And if he's right about that, then he'd like to guess that it's his family bombarding him with messages.

 

“Your phone,” he manages, gesturing vaguely in his direction, because he's not entirely sure where said phone is.

 

“Ignore it,” he shrugs, “Are you okay?”

 

“I think I am right now. Thank you.”

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“Yes, but are you? Your uh..” he points to his hoodie, at the spot that's currently occupied by his tears and snot.

 

“My hoodie? Yeah, it's fine.”

 

Connor stands, offering a hand to help Evan up, who thankfully accepts it.

 

“You think you can handle going back now?”

 

“Yes.” He nods, even if he isn't too sure about it.

 

They start walking, and Evan finally manages to convince himself to ask Connor another question that's been on his mind.

 

“Why can you not..” he stops, holding out his arms to try and mimic Zoe grabbing a steering wheel.

 

“Drive?” Connor fills in.

 

“Yes! Why can you not drive the..”

 

“Car,” he finishes, then shrugs. “Parents are worried I might do something stupid. I had a car of my own, actually, but got high enough to believe that driving it directly into a tree would be a good idea. Honestly? I can still kind of justify the thought process, so, whatever.”

 

“You.. drove into a tree?”

 

“Yeah,” and Connor confirms it so casually that it sounds like an everyday activity.

 

“That doesn't sound safe,” he points out.

 

“Yeah, definitely wasn't. I was hospitalized for like, a week. They said it was a miracle I made it out alive, and that I managed to recover so quickly.”

 

“A miracle?”

 

“I fucked up the front of the car, probably should've died,” Connor resumes walking, only to stop again. Evan ends up walking into him, but Connor gives him a look that sort of just.. scares his apology far, far away.

 

“You happen to know anything about why I didn't?”

 

“What?”

 

Connor rolls his eyes, pulls a couple objects from his pocket. He lights one of them, puts the lighty thingy in his pocket and puts the now-lit stick in his mouth, puffs out some smoke. Evan frowns. He's positive he saw some sort of pamphlet that had a picture of the thing in Connor's mouth right now in the hospital, along with a red ex placed right on top of it.

 

But, he can ask about that later. He might be just a little tempted to change the topic of conversation with the help of that, but he kind of gets the feeling that Connor wouldn't have it at all. He looks like he wants answers.

 

Because this is the one thing he's absolutely positive about, the one question he knows he has an answer to.

 

“Angels have a uh, bond with their uh, person. If the angel likes their person enough, they can, I guess, trade?” He frowns. He kind of wants to ask if they can try that mind thing again, but he's not sure if that'd do much to help. It's just something that's made to be difficult to explain.

 

“Angels.. they don't live long at all. When their person is dying, they can make an exchange of their own life so their person can have another chance.”

 

He looks to Connor, who looks shocked. (Which, he figures, is fair and is at least better than him being utterly confused.) But, he also kind of looks like someone just went up to him and told him that pigs can fly. When he's assured himself that Connor doesn't look like he plans on speaking right now, he continues.

 

“I think you had an angel before me. I think they loved you and worked hard to keep you safe.”

 

And that's when Connor starts responding again. Now, he just looks.. frustrated? Lost? Sad?

 

“No, no one would do that for me. I'm not worth it.”

 

“They could have let you die and moved on to someone else,” Evan pointed out. “But they gave you every last part of their existence to keep you alive and help you heal.”

 

“Fuck off, anyone who thinks I'm worth that much has obviously lost it.”

 

“I think you're a good person.”

 

“No, don't start that,” he held up his hand. “You're fucking with me, right? You aren't telling me that my own shitty decision got someone else killed?”

 

Oh, he knows what that expression is now: it's guilt.

 

He looks down at his feet and opts to not say anything. He doesn't want to confirm it, but he absolutely isn't going to lie to Connor about it either.

 

“Shit,” Connor says, and his voice breaks.

 

That's when Evan pulls him into a hug this time. He tries to comfort him in not only the embrace of his arms, but his wings as well.

 

At least they can be useful for something.

 

“I’d do the same for you,” he speaks up, because he feels the need to say it, to try and prove to Connor that he's worth more than he'll ever believe.

 

“You, Connor, are a beautiful person, and I think anyone in their right mind who has spent a day with you would agree that your beauty deserves to stay here as long as the world will allow.”

 

“Don't do this,” Connor says, stepping back.

 

And Evan wants to do anything but that. There's something that makes him want to continue to hug Connor and tell him that there's so much more importance to himself than he realizes-- than he might ever be able to realize.

 

But he'll remind him more later.

 

“Sorry.”

 

“Don't be.”

 

And his voice doesn't sound as harsh as it did just a second ago. He relaxes, but waits to say anything not only because he thinks he needs to second for the slight panic Connor caused to subside before he can organize his thoughts again, but because Connor looks like he has more to say.

 

He makes a mental note to inform Connor later on that holding up his hand to signal he needs a second to talk isn't just something that Evan is allowed to use.

 

“I should be apologizing. It's just, me being the reason that someone else is gone? That's.. it's fucked. There are plenty of people of out who deserve second chances more than I do. So, why me?”

 

“We're here to keep you safe.”

 

“But why  _ me?” _

 

“There's something about you,” he starts, then shrugs; it's another one of those things that he thinks is hard to explain no matter what. “It’s.. different, but in a good way.”

 

Evan can't help but smile a little while he awkwardly tries to stumble his way through this absolutely terrible explanation to Connor.

 

“I think there's a reason you were the one that found me. You were in need of another angel, but not just because..” he trails off, and decides he doesn't want to finish that. He knows that Connor's aware of where that was going, anyway. “There's more to you than that, and I don't know what it is. But, you need to keep going. You're important.”

 

Connor laughs bitterly, “No promises there, Evan.”

 

“Then.. then I can't promise I wouldn't trade my own life if it meant keeping you here for at least one more day.”

 

Connor doesn't respond after that. The walk back to his house is silent and the tension in the air makes him feel terrible.

 

Terrible? About what? He shouldn't feel terrible for informing someone of the lengths he'd go to to keep them here, right?

 

Oh well, the answer to that doesn't matter, because no matter what it is, he's not sure anything is going to make him stop feeling bad right now.

 

When they arrive at the front door, someone feels off, and his heart sinks. However, he isn't even given the opportunity to warn Connor about it before Cynthia is opening the door.

 

“Connor, you should have told me you were bringing your friend!”

 

When he looks back over to Connor, he doesn't see anger, or too much surprise, really. The only thing Evan's sure he notices is exhaustion.

 

“Didn't think I had to warn you,” is all he says before he grabs onto Evan's arm and pushes past Cynthia, dragging him up the stairs.

 

When they get inside Connor's room,  _ that's  _ when he sees that anger.

 

“You need to stop fucking with everything like this. I can't keep covering for you every time you decide to fuck up and let someone see you.”

 

“I don't..” Evan starts, trying to ignore the pain he feels from Connor snapping at him-- he can deal with that later, he tells himself. “Something's different. She shouldn't be able to..”

 

“Yeah, no one should. But hey, you're obviously not doing too great considering the entire fucking school could see you earlier,” he rolls his eyes. “I mean, at least your winged fuckery is doing something right. No one's pointed those out yet.”

 

“Connor, stop.” Evan manages, his voice small. He's curling in on himself and he can feel the incoming panic, but he needs Connor to listen to him right now.

 

“Something's not right. I feel off.”

 

Connor's still annoyed, he's sure of that. But he's stopped insulting him so he's taking that as a win right now because something isn’t right and there’s something that’s telling him that he doesn’t really have the time to panic right now.

 

He needs to get out of here.

 

He needs to run and hide and stay there for as long as it takes for this feeling to grow.

 

He knows he’s starting to panic and that’s exactly what he needs but no matter how much he tells himself that he needs to calm down it doesn’t work because the back of his mind is practically screaming and it seems to get louder every time he asks it to quiet.

 

“Okay, okay, uh,” Connor tries, he’s obviously at a loss for what to do right now but he’s not trying to make fun of Evan or make him feel bad for his sudden unexplainable panic right now, but it’s the thought that counts. “Do you know what’s wrong?”

 

“I’m not safe.”

 

“Shit, uh,” he looks around his room, glances out the window, then proceeds to shut the curtain. Evan just might have laughed at that if he wasn’t certain his life was currently in danger. “Do you any more of an idea about it? Where it is,  _ what  _ it is?” Connor tries.

 

“It’s here, in the house,” Evan answers. At the very least, it is extremely near the house. But, he’s sure it’s here. He can’t think of any other possible locations of said threat, unless it happens to live underneath the house-- he doesn't think that people do that.

 

…he  _ hopes  _ that people don't do that.

 

But while Connor is silent, supposedly trying to decide some sort of plan, Cynthia knocks on the door-- or well, the door frame, because Connor lacks a proper door.

 

Cynthia's looking at him weirdly, and despite him having begun to believe that it would be impossible, he begins to feel even more panicked.

 

“Connor, is your friend..” she looks at him questioningly, but Evan's frozen in fear and his voice has decided that it wants to be far, far away from here.

 

Connor sighs, and Evan hopes that he knows just how thankful he is for his existence right now because standing there making awkward eye contact with Cynthia while he attempted to speak would have inevitably led to him having a nervous breakdown.

 

And he can't have a nervous breakdown right now because he needs to be able to protect the two of them from whatever's making him so worried.

 

“This is Evan,” he fills in. “Evan, this is my mom.”

 

Cynthia holds out her hand and he really wishes he could think clearly because he hands up giving it some odd, sideways high five.

 

Connor snorts.

 

“Uh, sorry, I just.. uh,” he reached for her hand, and he realizes that he's probably gripping it too tightly and his hands are kind of sweaty, but he shakes her hand. It's not a good handshake, definitely not, because he swings his arm a little too violently too and when he pulls his hand back he suddenly decides that wiping his hand on his jeans is a good idea but judging by the look Cynthia and Connor are giving him he's just making things work.

 

“Are you staying for dinner, Evan?”

 

He might be in danger but at least Cynthia hasn't decided to backhand him or whatever for possibly being one of the most awkward people she has ever managed to come across.

 

“Yes, I.. yeah, if that's okay with you,” he nods.

 

“Of course dear, as long as you're okay with me having a friend over as well? We wouldn't want to overwhelm you.”

 

“No, yeah, yes, totally.. okay, perfect. Thank you.”

 

“Dinner with be ready soon,” she says, before making her way back down the stairs.

 

Evan waits, keeps his hand up to try and silently communicate to Connor that he has something to say. The only difference about that this time around being that he's fairly sure he knows what he wants to say, it's just that he doesn't think he can risk anyone but Connor hearing what he has to say.

 

He wants to ask if they can try that mind thing again, so he can communicate silently, but it sounds too risky, considering the last time he did it, Connor couldn't even see him.

 

The last thing he wants to do is disappear suddenly in front of a group of people.

 

“Who is your mom’s guest?”

 

Connor doesn't even try to think about it, just shrugs. “No idea. Can't be bothered to give a fuck about my family’s lives when they never do the same for me.”

 

Evan wants to be mad, wants to be frustrated because Connor should know this because he's reached that level of panic where he thinks his emotions have decided to shut down for a bit.

 

He feels kind of floaty and like he's not really there and maybe this is all a dream because there's absolutely no way all of this is real, right?

 

“Okay, sorry.”

 

Connor gives him a look, but he can't be bothered to acknowledge it.

 

“Let's head down,” Connor says, standing up.

 

“Okay.”

 

“Oh, uh, by the way? My family's kind of a mess, if you haven't figured that out already. You probably lucked out today because of their friend or whatever but, I wouldn't put it past them to start screaming at each other no matter who's at the table.”

 

Evan nods, and they head down.

 

Whatever world without worry and devoid of panic was gone the moment they walked into the kitchen.

 

It was getting difficult to breathe, his heart speeding up, but this wasn't some sort of panic attack, it wasn't. He knew all too well what those felt like and he refuses to believe that it had suddenly become different.

 

He looks at the kitchen, and he'd love to admire it but before he can, his eyes land on what he supposes is the other guest Cynthia mentioned.

 

And sure enough, she seems to be the threat that he's been sensing because it's the only reasonable explanation, honestly-- oh, that and, the moment they locked eyes he nearly fell because the world was spinning now.

 

He takes a seat next to Connor, squeezes his hands into fists and digs his nails into his palms. He can't start a scene because leaving will look suspicious and suspicious is definitely the last thing he wants to be right now.

 

Though, he probably already fits part right now.

 

“Connor, Zoe, this is Nitsa. She's here to discuss a job opportunity with me,” Larry says, and Cynthia claps in delight while the Murphy siblings don't react much to it at all.

 

“We thought it'd be great to invite her over, would you mind introducing yourselves to her?”

 

Evan decides that, despite how much he's shaking and how the world has yet to stop feeling so distorted and his heart only seems to be getting louder, he needs to ignore it right now.

 

Because this lady is giving him nothing but bad vibes and if she does anything to hurt Connor he's going to..

 

Well, he doesn't know what he'll do, but he likes to hope that it'd end up being cool and become some sort of life changing event that helps Connor understand just how important he is to Evan.

 

So, he looks up, eyes flickering between Nitsa and Connor repetitively, tells his heart to shut up because he  _ needs  _ to focus on this.

 

Thankfully, Nitsa doesn't do anything to harm anyone there.

 

And he's relieved, but only for a moment, because after she's finished her polite greetings with Connor and Zoe, she looks directly at him.

 

He could be wrong, it could be the panic, but he thinks there's something different in the way that she's looking at him.

 

She's looking at him in a sort of.. disgust. Her smile is more forced and there's something that passes her face that tells him to run.

 

But he doesn't do that because running is rude and he'd hate to cause a scene. He doesn't want any unnecessary attention on himself.

 

Nitsa clears her throat.

 

“Cynthia invited me over after yoga today and I mentioned a bible camp i’m running, and i’d be delighted to have you-- Connor and Zoe, to consider it this upcoming break.”

 

Her smile is becoming faker by the second and it makes Evan cringe.

 

“But you,” she gestures to Evan, and when he looks into her eyes he can’t help but notice just how dead they are. “You seem like you could use a little help too? Perhaps I could get into contact with your mother and discuss it with you? Our program focuses around angels, how they protect us and how having faith in them will get you farther than you could possibly imagine.” He’d like to believe that his ears aren’t working right, but he knows that isn’t true.

 

Evan is not going anywhere with this lady, and he will scream and shout if he has to to make sure Connor doesn’t, either.

 

Sitting in front of him is exactly the type of person he's been scared of meeting since he got here.

 

The type of person who, will undoubtedly throw him into some form of a prison.

 

But he thinks she already knows, because, although her words might be aimed towards the family, she's been looking at him this entire time.

 

_ She's looking for a reaction. _ He realizes.

 

And he wishes he was actually good at hiding his emotions.

 

Nitsa already seems to have gotten the information she's needed.

 

He watches as her eyes flicker behind him, and he freezes.

 

_ His wings. _

 

But she shouldn't be able to see them, right? No one's pointed that out yet, he's sure that no one has seen them aside from Connor.

 

“In fact, to help the three of you make your decision, I think it’d help to show you some proof of their existence. Kids these days are so stubborn, always demanding solid evidence before they act.” He sees Connor clench his jaw from the corner of his vision, and he’s thankful that Connor’s not hesitant when it comes to calling people out on their lies, it helps him to figure out little things that he wouldn’t have even thought to ask, but are useful to know.

 

“I’m interested,” Zoe tells her, and she’s looking at her like she’s ready for Nitsa to pull some poorly photoshopped image up on her phone and call that her proof. Evan wishes his brain would allow him to entertain the idea.

 

“Yes, of course,” she reaches into her bag. “I do feel obligated to inform you that these pictures might be a bit blurry, angels can move at incredible speeds given the right conditions. I'd also like to apologize for this.”

 

Nitsa pulls a gun out of her bag before anyone has the chance to ask what exactly she's apologizing for.

  
What surprises him the most, however, is the fact that she's not aiming at him, but  _ Connor. _


	11. Chapter 11

He wants to be able to comprehend the emotion that overcomes him, wants to be able to explain how, within the moment he'd noticed the gun aimed at Connor, he managed to lunge across the table, tackling the woman with the gun to the ground-- along with a few of the table's contents too.

 

He's made a mess and he barely registers the sound of glass breaking and the whole room erupting into gasps because really all that seems to be going through his mind is that Connor's safety is in danger and he needs to get rid of said danger which has him reaching for the gun but he does no more than slide it away from the two of them and stare down at her.

 

Evan's not a violent person and he has absolutely no idea what he's doing but there's something screaming that he needs to doing something because this lady is radiating “danger to Connor's safety” but he doesn't have much of a chance to do anything because there's a click and then everything gets really bright and when he looks over to see what that was, he noticed a man walking into the room, an object in his hand.

 

He has no idea what it is, and he's just a little more concerned about that right now because the lady can't really do much to Connor but that doesn't mean he's going to back off right now.

 

_ “That's a camera, dork.” _

 

He freezes, then stares at Connor, who stares back, which is great because that means he can still see him. He doesn't think that disappearing suddenly would help him very much in this situation, and he's very grateful that the universe has at least spared him for a second.

 

_ “Thank you.” _

 

He'll talk to Connor about this later-- if there happens to be a future where he is able to do that, of course.

 

The man is staring at whatever's on that device.. uh, camera thing and then nod's at the women, but when he speaks, his words are directed towards Evan.

 

“We won't hurt him if you back away right now,” he says, and he looks at Connor, who nods in approval and Evan stands up.

 

The woman huffs, and she begins to walk away, but stops to reach a hand into her purse. He tries to not overreact and is thankful that he doesn't when he sees that all she had reached for was a card, which she slams on to the table in front of Larry.

 

“I'd like to thank the two of you for dinner, and I'm sorry for having to cut it short, but I will be on my way now,” she looks at Evan and in that moment he decides that he's done with people looking at him for like, a month. “We hope to be in touch with you very soon.”

 

She storms out, and the entire room remains silent. Evan's practically vibrating with nerves and his voice is very uneven while he speaks to try and break the silence.

 

He's mentally preparing for the worst to come, and he figures he'd rather get it done and over with so he can go have his breakdown in peace.

 

“I'm- I'm so sorry oh my god i-” he begins to pick up the silverware off the ground. “That was so incredibly rude and I'm so so sorry and I understand that you definitely want me out of here but if you'd please just let me clean this up then-”

 

He shuts up when someone hugs him, and it takes a second for him to react to it or even process who it was, but when he stops mentally buffering, he notices that it's Cynthia that's hugging him and

 

Oh. She's crying too.

 

“Thank you,” she says, pulling away from the hug. She turns towards the rest of the room to address them, wiping at her eyes with a tissue. “Larry, I told you Connor had someone looking out for him.”

 

It's Zoe who speaks up next.

 

“How do we know that isn't a costume? Mom, you really can't believe that, just because some freaks came in here and called him an angel, doesn't mean it's real. They could've been  _ high _ !” Then she looks to Connor. “Do  _ not  _ tell me those where your friends or-”

 

“Zoe, please, now is not the time to yell at him-”

 

“I think it's time to call it a night. We're all obviously in need of sleep if we're all hallucinating.. this,” he says, pointing at Evan, who really, really doesn't want to exist right now. “Connor, we'll have a discussion about this later. I draw the line when your drug addiction starts affecting the entire family, too.”

 

And then Larry's off, followed by Zoe.

 

He and Connor stare at each other in silence, and then Connor turns to go too. He takes a step forward to follow after him, but a hand on his shoulder halts his movements.

 

“Oh I should probably clean this up because it's definitely not okay to make a mess and have someone else clean it I'm sorry that was so rude of me..” he trails off.

 

“No, dear. I'll handle this myself, okay?” And she doesn't seem like she's going to take anything else as an answer so he reluctantly nods. She's staring at him, but it's with a sort of.. sadness. “Take care of him for me, okay? I know he's struggling, I just can't get through to him. He could really use someone right now,” she sighs, gesturing towards the exit. “Go ahead.”

 

“I- thank you. I'll.. I'll do what I can,” he promises, before running up the stairs and into Connor's room.

 

The house feels safer right now. The danger isn't completely gone, but right now he's calmer, so he'll allow himself to relax soon enough.

 

Just.. after he's checked that Connor's okay. That has to be his priority right now.

 

“Connor-” he calls out, freezing when he sees aforementioned boy halfway out the window. His sudden presence in the room seems to have started him, and he watched as Connor nearly falls and, thankfully, succeeds in getting his grip back before he plummeted to the ground.

 

“Shit- I thought you would've been stuck there longer,” he admits, then awkwardly tries to look at him, then back out the window. “Join me?”

 

Evan doesn't like the idea of losing his own grip on his journey to wherever Connor is headed and ending up being the one who falls, but he figures that since he's managed to survive a literal fall from the sky, he'll be fine if he falls from the second story of a house.

 

He waits for Connor to successfully climb up, and it clicks that Connor's destination is the roof.

 

He follows him, and while Connor's already seemed to find a comfortable and someone stable place to sit, Evan is the very definition of clumsy and struggles for way longer than necessary to even make his way over to Connor.

 

Connor doesn't speak, and Evan's okay with that right now because it gives him some time to process everything that's happened. He eventually gets brave enough to lean back, then lay down. He stares up at the sky and can't help but frown when he realizes that he can't see any stars.

 

He watches out of the corner of his eye as Connor pulls something from his pocket, lights it, then puffs out some smoke. Only after that does he begin to speak.

 

“Thanks.”

 

“Wh.. uh, for what?”

 

Connor gives him a funny look, it kind of makes Evan feel like he'd just asked Connor the most ridiculous thing-- and that's saying a lot, considering he's constantly having to ask what simple words mean.

 

“For not letting that crazy woman shoot me?”

 

“Oh, you don't have to..”

 

“Dude, let me try being a decent person.”

 

“I..” he starts, but Connor gives him another look that makes him think better of continuing that thought out loud. “Don't.. worry about it?”

 

Connor takes another huff from whatever he's got in his hand.

 

“I should've listened to you.”

 

“No, it's.. it's okay.”

 

“It's really not,” he shakes his head. “What do you think she's gonna do?”

 

“I don't know,” he admits. “I just want you to be safe.”

 

“Hey, don't start that,” then he pauses, “You need to watch out for yourself too, yeah?”

 

“Keep yourself safe and I'll be okay too.”

 

“Evan, I'm self-destructive as fuck.”

 

“We’ll work on that, then,” Evan replies simply. “I want you to be okay.”

 

Connor shakes his head and takes one last huff of the thing before putting it out on the bottom of his shoe. Evan can't say he's surprised when Connor doesn't answer, but that doesn't mean he isn't disappointed.

 

He's feeling brave right now, so he speaks up again.

 

“Your mom is nice.”

 

Connor snorts, rolling his eyes, “Yeah, everyone who isn't unfortunate enough to live in the Murphy household thinks that.”

 

“She cares about you,” Evan tries. “She said that she worries.”

 

“Yeah, same stories she tells all her friends. She loves a good sob story.”

 

“I think she helped me figure something out.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“She.. she said something about, about you needing someone.” He notices Connor tense up and it takes a lot of effort for him to not shut up right now and just take it all back. “I think you need a friend.”

 

And now he kind of wishes that he just would've shut up and ignore his anxiety literally any other time but definitely not now because when he looks at Connor he doesn't see that sort of half smile or any sign of joy it's this sort of bitterness that he's definitely interpreting as anger and wow okay suddenly losing his balance and falling off the roof doesn't seem too bad right now.

 

“Yeah, so they gave me the suicidal angel to bond with,” he mumbled, shaking his head.

 

He really needs to get away from Connor because he prefers to isolate himself during them and drown in his own self pity and yes being comforted by someone sounds nice but he's not sure he wants that right now.

 

Connor's eyes widen, as if he's finally realized what he's just said. “I- oh my god Evan, that was really shitty, i'm sorry.”

 

“I know,” he responds, standing up and slowly but surely maneuvering his way back to the side of the roof that he's sure he accessed the window from.

 

He really wishes he wasn't so emotionally drained from the day. Maybe then, he could talk this out with Connor.

 

But maybe he'll be able to do that another day, he tells himself as he climbs back inside.

 

Connor hadn't moved from his spot on the roof, so he assumes that he needs some space of his own-- or he's just tired of Evan. Maybe he should've been the one to stay on the roof, he doesn't want Connor to feel like he can't enter his own room.

 

But he can't bring himself to care as much as he should, it's quick to become a distant thought as he sits on the floor, leaning his head back to stare blankly at the roof.

 

He wishes he wasn't such a fucking crybaby, but nothing goes his way and soon enough his vision is blurry and his face is wet with snot and tears and he's shaking but he's too tired to do anything about it.

 

It's all so terrifying and confusing and he wishes he could be useful for once, wishes he wasn't on the floor sobbing right now because he can't even handle a simple inconvenience without wanting to break down.

 

His mind is racing and he's still having trouble trying to get a hold of his thoughts.

 

Is it too much to ask his brain in he can just.. decipher one thing?

 

He'd love to figure out why he's here, why so many people can see him, but what he really needs to know is what that couple from earlier plans to do.

 

Evan wants to run and hide because they know where Connor lives and he absolutely can not allow himself to rest when someone who aimed a gun at Connor could break in and try it again at any moment.

 

He doesn't want to think about that happening, he really really doesn't, but he has to be at least somewhat prepared for it if that happens.

 

Cry over the possibility of something happening beforehand, get through the thing that he'd cried about if it so happens to actually happen in one piece, cry some more but at least not as much during the actual thing.

 

Double the breakdown, but in exchange he gets like, .2% more productivity when put in the stressful situation than he normally would, so it's a good enough deal for him.

 

He squeezes his eyes shut and sniffles, rubbing at his face roughly with the back of his hand. This is.. a lot. Maybe he should've stayed, up where it's safe and dull and boring and lonely, but safe.

 

But he shakes his head once he realizes what he's wishing for. No one else was in that forest. He saved Connor. He just has to keep telling himself that, just has to keep telling himself that he's a selfless person who would absolutely go through with all of this time and time again if it meant he could just.. help Connor. Because that's all he's supposed to do, right? The only reason Connor hasn't gotten rid of him? He's here to care for someone else and wow that's kind of selfish to just leave him alone just because he's a baby and just so, completely and utterly useless--

 

“Are you okay?”

 

He should've hidden somewhere, maybe he should've run to some other room, or just out of the house and far far away from here but no he can't do that because that's selfish and he's absolutely not supposed to do that so he should just stop thinking that because he might be useless and an absolute burden on Connor who's only seemed to bring trouble to him at this point but he can at least follow the rules he's set for himself and maybe, just maybe, that'll prove he's at least a little useful-

 

“Evan.”

 

There's a hand on his shoulder, and he flinches away from it.

 

“Fuck, sorry.”

 

Evan still has his eyes shut and he doesn't plan on opening them anytime soon because he's absolutely positive that when he does, he'll be met with annoyance and then Connor will have a real reason to leave him and wow here he goes being selfish and indecisive and confusing.

 

“Evan, hey,” Connor tries again, and Evan only shakes his head.

 

But then he remembers that wow he has the nerve to cry this late at night and Connor probably wants to sleep so he stands abruptly-- so abruptly, in fact, that he accidentally rams the top of his head into Connor.

 

“Ohmygod I'm so sorry Connor I'll just.. I can leave. I can definitely leave. Because you probably want me to leave, right? I'm so sorry I know that I'm just.. being so rude for ignoring you when you probably just wanted to ask me to get out and on top of that I just hurt you and I'm really bad at all of this and I'm so sorry--”

 

“Evan, stop. You're fine.”

 

“No, no I'm definitely not fine and you don't have to pretend I am I totally get it if you're mad and you hate me now and maybe it's just better if I left again because that lady pointed a  _ gun  _ at you Connor, a  _ gun  _ and that was all my fault and I'm only putting you in danger--”

 

“Don't, Evan.” He interrupts. “I'm still here right now because of you, so don't.”

 

“But-”

 

“I'm not hearing it,” Connor says. “She was probably just some freak trying to scam us. And if she does come back? I'll kick her ass, sound good?”

 

“But.. but you can't- you shouldn't.. I can't put you in danger.”

 

“How about we do some research on that place she said she works for tomorrow?” He pauses, “But not today, because you look fucking exhausted, and I haven't seen you sleep except for, like, twice.”

 

“I'm not tired.”

 

“Bullshit, come on. You can use my bed.”

 

“But don't you need-”

 

“The floor is perfectly fine.”

 

Evan shakes his head, “Then I'll take the floor. I'm already here.”

 

He hears Connor snort, and he finally looks up at him.

 

“Fine, but if I find out you didn't sleep, none of us get the bed tomorrow, deal?”

 

“I- but that's not..” he sighs. This isn't an argument he's going to win. “Okay.”

 

“Great, perfect. Do you need anything?”

 

“I'll be fine.”

 

Connor opens his mouth to say something, but he watches as Connor seems to decide upon something else and lay down. Evan follows shortly after, and then suddenly there's something hitting his chest and he startles.

 

It's a pillow, and he'd be mad but Connor's laughing a little and he absolutely can not be mad when Connor's doing that.

 

He takes it with a huff and shoves it under his head. It definitely makes him more comfortable, but he doesn't plan on telling Connor.

 

It's silent again, and that's okay because he's figured that Connor's gone to sleep-- up until he interrupts the silence.

 

“Hey Evan?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“I want to be okay too.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! The next chapter will be up very soon, i'd already finished writing it before posting this! (I think I might just do a double update.)  
> Also! I promise Nitsa isn't just disappearing, I just wanted to give her the dramatic introduction she deserves.


	12. Chapter 12

So, turns out that sleeping on the floor isn't exactly ideal.

 

It also turns out that falling asleep after crying doesn't automatically get rid of headaches, who would've thought?

 

He whines as he sits up, trying to ignore the pain in his back for now.

 

Although he doesn't feel like he needs sleep as often as Connor, he'd be lying if he said that he didn't feel at least a little better.

 

Just as he's about to make an attempt at checking the time, Zoe barges into the room, going to grab Connor by his shoulders to shake him awake.

 

Evan decides that maybe sleeping so close to the bed isn't a good idea, because Zoe ends up stomping on his leg and he yelps.

 

“Connor I swear to god if you don't-” she freezes, then her eyes focus onto Evan. “I don't think you were there until a second ago.”

 

“Uh, yeah, sorry?”

 

Zoe stares at him, rubs her eyes, then walks back out of the room, he can hear a very quietly muttered “fuck this.”

 

He stands up with a whine, rubbing at his leg.

 

Definitely not ideal, but he can deal with this.

 

“Connor, Connor can you wake up? Please?”

 

Connor doesn't respond at all, and he huffs.

 

Then he sees the pillow on the ground and remembers faintly that Connor had thrown it at him. It wouldn't hurt to return the favor, right?

 

But he's proven to be absolutely wrong when the pillow hits Connor, who sits up and raises his hand so quickly that Evan jumps back, like, a couple feet away from him.

 

“Sorry, sorry,” Connor grumbles, then blindly reaches for his phone, squinting at it to check the time, mumbling a curse underneath his breath as he forces himself out of bed.

 

Connor doesn't say much else as he stumbles out of the room, and Evan opts to stay in there because he'd very much like to avoid running into the rest of the Murphy family today-- his night of sleep hadn't suddenly gotten rid of his social exhaustion.

 

But a few seconds passes and he feels kind of awkward just standing there so he makes Connor's bed. It's not long after he's finished doing his best that Connor walks back in, holding out a bagel for Evan.

 

“If you slept, then I'm guessing you've been lying to me this entire time about not having to eat,” and he sounds like he's trying for a bitter tone, but he's not fully awake yet and therefore his drowsiness seems to be messing with his ability to properly express emotions.

 

“But I wasn't-”

 

And wow okay, Evan's definitely wrong about that. Connor gives him a sort of glare that pressures him into taking the bagel and nibbling at it, which is enough to stop the glare from being aimed in his direction.

 

“Alright, are you coming to school with me today?”

 

“I, uh, actually? I don't- I don't really know? Because uh, I don't wanna leave this room because if your dad sees me he might, like, call those people again but that could also happen if I stay in here but then there's also going to school and I don't want you to skip again because that sounds very very bad and I don't think I'm supposed to be getting you into trouble and then that.. that girl from yesterday might come back and I don't know what I'll do if she gets to you or me even though I'd absolutely prefer it if it were me because I wouldn't be able to live with myself if it were you so it's a lose lose for me--”

 

“Woah, hey, breathe.” Connor interrupts, and Evan listens because that's the least he can do, but he can also apologize so he goes to try that but Connor cuts him off before he gets he gets a word out himself. “I think you should go to school with me, okay?”

 

Evan nods and gestures for him to continue talking because he knows that if he opens his mouth he'll start rambling again.

 

“And I'll go for the first half of the day and skip the rest, so I'm not totally skipping, but I'm not going the entire day either, sound like a deal?”

 

He nods again. He'd prefer that Connor just go the entire day, but he doesn't feel like arguing-- and even if he did, he only had about a .01% chance of winning that argument.

 

“Okay, yeah, definitely.”

 

“Great, then let's get going before Zoe drives off and Larry kicks my ass.”

 

Evan doesn't know if it's rude to be thankful that Zoe's still convinced he's some sort of drug-induced hallucination. Oh well, whether it's rude or not, the only thing he doesn't enjoy is the occasional weird look she gives him from the mirror, but she's not trying to speak with him so he's counting that as a win.

 

They make it inside the school, and Alana is waiting at Connor's locker, chatting with another student. It's only when they get closer and she finally notices them that she ends the conversation, turning to face the two boys.

 

“Connor, I'd like to apologize for not being able to help you with catching up during lunch yesterday. I completely forgot about the Student Council meeting. But! I double checked my schedule today and, as long as I don't spontaneously combust, i'm free during lunch today and would be happy to not only help you, but Evan too!” She grinned. “What do you have for first block?”

 

“Uh, I..”

 

“He has AP Government with me,” Connor interrupts, and Alana frowns.

 

“Oh! So, he shares it with us!” She pauses, then frowns. “I don't think either of you were there yesterday, and I don't remember the teacher asking for Evan during attendance?”

 

And Connor must be some sort of blessing because he has an excuse for that, too. He really, really doesn't know/want to think about where he'd be without him.

 

“First day at a new school can be stressful. He decided to chill out in the office for the morning, I think they said something about the system being down and them being unable to add Evan yet,” Connor shrugs.

 

“Right, okay,” she nods, then the bell rings. Alana turns to walk away, but seems to decide that she has more to say before she heads off. “Are you two heading there?”

 

Once again, Connor defends his title of “the king of bullshitting his way through life” almost effortlessly.

 

“I didn't get the chance to show Evan to his locker yet, we might be late, but we'll be there.”

 

“Okay, then see you two soon!” She grins, waving as she walks off.

 

Connor takes Evan down the hall, into a more secluded part of the school, before he actually bothers to explain to Evan what his plans are (and after seeing how easily he seems to fake his way through life, he wouldn't be surprised if a bit of the reasoning to that was because he was still trying to figure it all out-- which is fine, perfectly fine. He's in no position to judge him when he himself hasn't managed to come up with a plan of his own.)

 

“Alright, first things first: do you think that mind thing is like, long distance?”

 

“Uh..” he shrugs apologetically, and Connor looks kind of disappointed but not surprised and it reminds him just how bad he is at this whole… angel thing.

 

“Right, okay, you have no idea,” he sighs. “I'll just.. I'll try to check up on you during class and in between first and second block because I have like, three hours before lunch.”

 

As if reading the question on his mind, Connor leads him a little further down and opens a door to a small room filled with cleaning supplies.

 

“I- you.. want me to stay here?” He asks, he knows it's stupid but he doesn't want to risk staying here while Connor wanted him to stay somewhere else.

 

“Yeah, are you okay with that?” He asks, and then there's a sort of.. mischievous glint in his eye as he continues. “You know, if you're not okay with it, I'm all for leaving right now.”

 

And that's tempting, he has to admit it. But no. He is absolutely not going to become a bad influence.

 

“No!” He says, a little louder and faster than he probably should, and he closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, tells himself that right now he doesn't really need to panic. “I'm okay with it. I.. just be careful, please?”

 

Connor rolls his eyes, “From what you told me about the whole angel thing? I don't think I can be anything but careful unless I plan on you taking the backlash.”

 

Evan grins and nods at him. The bell rings, and Connor mumbles a curse, opening the door, but he says one last this before he actually walks out of the room. “That whole ‘be careful’ thing is the same for you too, alright?”

 

He doesn't give Evan a chance to respond, he shuts the door (and it looks like he tries to do so as quietly as possible, which Evan absolutely appreciates.) and then he's left on his own.

 

It doesn't take long for him to grow.. really bored.

 

He decides that, as long as he's careful not to knock anything over, he can explore the room, look at everything that it contains.

 

The first thing he grabs is a mop, and he spends a lot of time staring at it and trying to conjure up some sort of description of it so he can bring it up to Connor, and does the same for a broom he finds in the corner too.

 

Though, he kind of hopes that he'll just be able to show it to Connor and have him explain it because, somehow, he figures that describing a mop as a “very long stick with wet wobbly things one end” will only result in laughter.

 

How quickly he manages to fail his self-set mission to not ruin anything should really be a world record. He decides he wants to check out the bottles on the shelf and for some reason, his mind decides to just.. completely forget about the yellow bucket with brown water inside. He trips over said bucket and screams because, one: why wouldn't he? Two: he's now soaked in said brown water and he's positive that water isn't supposed to look like that, so he's grossed out.

 

_ “What the fuck-?” _ Rings out through his head, and he pauses. Did Connor hear that?

 

_ “Yeah I fucking did. I just jumped like, five feet out of my seat Jesus Christ,”  _ there's a pause, then, “ _ Wait, shit, are you okay?” _

 

_ “No- I mean, yeah, yes. I'm okay…ish?” _

 

_ “What does that mean?” _

 

_ “I'm not in danger,”  _ he clarifies, because it's very important that Connor knows that first before he continues.  _ “I just.. tripped?” _

 

He swears that he hears a form of a disappointed sigh in response.

 

_ “You didn't break anything, did you?” _

 

_ “No.. just.. just my confidence.” _

 

There's a laugh.

 

_ “Yeah, alright,”  _ and this time the pause is kind of awkward,  _ “Do you think you can uh, stop the communication thing now? The teacher's gonna kick my ass if she notices that I'm absolutely not paying attention. _ ”

 

_ “Oh right oh my god I'm so sorry--” _

 

_ “Evan, you're fine. Just.. talk to you later, okay?” _

 

Then he's left alone again, and he sighs.

 

There's a part of him that kind of wishes he could ask Connor to skip, despite him telling himself that he absolutely should not do that. He doesn't enjoy how he feels right now and would really like to just..

 

Is changing clothes even possible for him? Probably not.

 

He sighs. If that's true, then seeing if Connor's still willing to skip isn't worth it; it's not going to solve his problem. He'll get over it.

 

Time drags on, as he resides to sitting down and doing absolutely nothing-- or alternatively known as putting himself into timeout, because obviously he can't do anything that keeps boredom from consuming him without making a mess, and therefore deserves to sit there and allow boredom to eat away at him.

 

He's in the middle of spacing out when the door handle turns and he freezes, panic rushing through him.

 

He really, really doesn't want that to end up being someone who isn't Connor because they'd see him and ask him what he was doing in here and he wouldn't be able to respond to that because the answer is very confusing and then the person would see right through him and surprise surprise it'd actually be Nitsa in some sort of mask and he'd disappear and Connor would get mad because he wasn't careful like he was supposed to be and--

 

“Jeez, calm down, it's me,” Connor says, shutting the door behind him.

 

“You.. heard that?”

 

“Yeah, uh,” he stops whatever he was going to say when he finally gets a look at Evan, who is still soaked from the gross water. At least Connor has the decency to  _ try  _ and hide his laughter. “Is this what that scream was about earlier?”

 

He nods, “Sorry.”

 

“Don't worry,” he shrugs. “I think my only complaint is that this whole.. mental communication thing is giving me a headache? It could also just be the scream, because that was really fucking loud, but.”

 

“I'm so sorry oh my God I promise to try not to do it again I swear I didn't mean for you to even hear that in the first place? And that's just.. so rude of me to do that.”

 

“You're not the type of person to do that on purpose,” Connor points out. “You don't need to apologize. I get it: you're still trying to figure it out.”

 

Evan nods.

 

“Okay, so uh, anyways, I'm here because Alana wanted to know where you were-- no I didn't tell her,” he says when he sees that look of fear that must pass his face. “She said something about a new student and wanting to introduce him to you so you can bond over your uh, new studentness, I guess? But, uh, anyways, she ended up introducing me to the new kid and he's a creepy motherfucker.”

 

Evan laughs.

 

“I don't think that's very nice?”

 

“I'm not very nice.”

 

“That's a lie.”

 

Connor changes the topic, gesturing to the puddle on the ground. “I say that I help you clean this up and we get out of here. Sound good?”

 

“I.. yeah. Okay,” he nods.

 

Evan feels like an idiot for grinning when he sees Connor grab the mop and try to somewhat rid of the mess, and Connor gives him a weird look.

 

“I was going to ask you what that was and what it did.”

 

“Oh, it's a mop. It.. mops things up.”

 

Evan laughs, because Connor's explanation of things is either impressively good and easy to understand or absolutely terrible and do not help at all. If it weren't for him watching, he might not have been able to figure out what mopping was.

 

He doesn't do much in terms of helping to clean up, but Connor doesn't seem to mind, so he tells the guilt he feels to go away.

 

“We're going straight home. You need to change and maybe shower because you smell like a wet dog,” Connor states, wrinkling his nose.

 

He nods, and lets Connor open the door for him, but he freezes when he sees another student right in front of the door, who looks just as surprised as he feels-- but only for a moment.

 

“Sorry, thought this was the bathroom.”

 

_ “That's the new kid.” _

 

The boy in front of them is kind of looking at them awkwardly, as if waiting for a response. Thankfully, he seems to realize that neither of them plan on speaking and waves to Evan.

 

“Is this the guy Alana was trying to tell me about?” He frowns, then looks over to Connor. “You said he was sick?”

 

“Yeah,” Connor responds simply, then grabs onto Evan's arm and not so gently shoves the kid out of the way.

 

But this kid is persistent, for whatever reason that might be.

 

“Where are you going?”

 

“Having brunch with the Muppets,” Connor deadpans. “What does it look like to you, smartass?”

 

Evan is definitely noticing a difference in Connor's attitude compared to when he talks to.. literally anyone else. He's thankful that Connor doesn't give him this kind of treatment, he'd have, like, three breakdowns per hour.

 

The kid looks like he's gotten bored of this, and his whole 'confused new kid’ act fades away as he shoves Evan to the ground, proceeding the grip harshly onto his wings. He yelps.

 

Connor steps in, and grabs the kid by his shirt, shoving him against the wall and balling his hand up into a fist.

 

The kid doesn't look all too scared, really. He looks.. strangely calm for someone who's at risk of being punched. He, instead, looks at Evan, then to Connor, grinning.

 

“You’re protecting the exact thing that's going to get you killed one day.”

 

“Fuck off,” Connor says, connecting his fist with his face and letting him go, the kid rubs at his face.

 

He still doesn't seem all that bothered, and it's creeping Evan out.

 

But nothing else is said because Connor's dragging him out of the school as quickly as he seems to be able to manage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to pretend that this one double update helps to excuse my non-existent posting schedule.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Holy shit, angels are just doppelgangers with wings."

Connor drags him out of the school, and he doesn’t speak to Evan to even look at him until they’re off the campus, headed towards god knows where.

 

This doesn’t sound good to Evan at all, it makes him want to curl up into himself until he doesn’t exist but he also wants to apologize but he kind of gets the idea that if he speaks before Connor decides to fully acknowledge him, he’ll just be asking for a death wish, so he follows after Connor, tripping and nearly falling several times; but Connor doesn’t say or do anything about it, so he doesn’t either.

 

Finally, Connor stops and turns around to look at him. Unfortunately, he would have really appreciated a warning in advance, because an abrupt stop is something that he really should have seen coming, but didn’t at all, so he walks directly into Connor

 

He’s at least thankful that Connor’s strong enough to handle a very clumsy and heavy Evan Hansen walking into him, because he keeps the two of them from falling.

 

“Sorry,” he gasps, shuffling awkwardly on his feet. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to- I just, I didn’t know when or if you were going to stop so I wasn’t prepared for that and now this sounds like I’m putting the blame on you which isn’t at all true because that was absolutely, 100% my fault so yeah I wouldn’t put the blame on you for something I did and I’m sorry if you thought that I did-”

 

“Oh my god, can you shut up for like, five seconds? Jesus Christ,” Connor snaps.

 

“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to continue rambling and wow look I’m doing it again and am I annoying you? What kind of question was that? I’m absolutely annoying you and now I’m going to shut up because you look really annoyed and I’m sorry-” he shuts his mouth before he can continue with his rambling because Connor really does look annoyed.

 

“Did you know who that kid was?”

 

“What? What kind of question-”

 

“I’m just saying, I’ve never seen the kid before but there was something kind of familiar about him?” Connor shrugs, “I was hoping that maybe it had something to do with this whole.. thing,” he gestures between the two of them, and Evan nods, holding up his hand.

 

“I think there was something familiar about him too, but I don’t know him, I promise! I only know you and your family and Alana.. Sort of, but mostly just you.”

 

Connor nods, then grabs his phone and starts typing away, when he looks up to see what Evan assumes must be his very obvious confusion at the action, he rolls his eyes.

 

“I’m doing research on that organization-- it was GODD, right?”

 

Evan nods, because that sounds familiar. Connor nods too, and then he’s typing and scrolling on his phone. The frown that only seems to grow deeper doesn’t sneak past Evan’s attention, but he’s too scared of being told to shut up again to say anything about it. He’s thankful to discover that, this time around, Connor doesn’t plan on leaving him on read in person.

 

“I’m not seeing anything about them,” he informs Evan, and now he understands why exactly Connor looked so upset.

 

Because, he may not be an expert on people or anything, but he doesn’t exactly think/he desperately wants to think that offering some sort of fake job opportunity to a family and then proceed to pull a gun out one of said family members isn’t something that people can get away with.

 

Or, it’s just a normal everyday occurrence and he really is that clueless.

 

But! He’s going to use context clues to his advantage and come to the conclusion that, since everyone seemed so shaken up from the whole gun thing last night, and because Connor seems very mad and confused, that he is correct and has the right to have the thinnest little sliver of hope for humanity.

 

“What does that mean?” He asks before he even gives himself the chance to think about what he was going to say and he really wishes that his brain actually liked him because that sounded.. Really stupid wow.

 

But, the more that he thinks about it, he tries to reassure himself with the reminder that it might not be as ridiculous of a question as he’s leading himself to believe. He might know what he sort of means, it means that these are some really sketchy people who are after Evan because he’s an angel; for what reason, they have no idea. What they don’t know, however, are their next moves.

 

So yes, he would like to take back the self-doubt he had a moment ago.

 

Connor snorts.

 

“What?”

 

“Top tier rambling.”

 

“I..” Evan’s brain nearly implodes at the realization. “I said that out loud?”

 

Now, Connor’s laughing, and Evan huffs.

 

“That’s.. I..” he wants to say that it’s not funny, but it kind of is and the last twenty-four hours have been really stressful and Connor absolutely deserves to laugh about any little thing because he probably needs it.

 

And he may or may not have (definitely did) joined in with Connor’s laughter during his mental lecture because Connor’s laugh just sounds so  _ nice  _ and he’s surprised the entire world isn’t laughing along with him because it’s so contagious and it makes his heart  _ sing _ ad the sound alone makes him feel free.

 

“Any ideas?” Connor asks after their laughter dies down, and Evan kind of stares at him because he was so caught up in the moment that he didn’t process his words at all, but Connor just stares back and that doesn’t really help and he doesn’t look like he’s about to repeat himself.

 

“Sorry, I, what?” He stammers out.

 

“The whole sketchy weirdos that are definitely out to kill us situation,” Connor clarifies, “Any ideas?”

 

Evan nods, then holds up his hand. He has an idea, he just knows that it’s one they can’t resort to, but even so it’s something he’s all for-- or, maybe not  _ all  _ for; he doesn’t want to continue to be the reason Connor continues to miss out of school. But, side by side, Connor missing school isn’t nearly as bad as Connor nearly losing his life, so maybe it is a good idea after all.

 

“How about.. hiding?”

 

And yeah, okay, he doesn’t know where these minuscule amounts of confidence are coming from, but he would very much like them to just go and, in the most polite way possible, fuck off because they’re doing nothing but proving to Connor how much of a clueless idiot he is.

 

“That’s a cute idea,” Connor starts, and Evan would really like his mind to  _ let him live his life for five seconds _ without ruining something. His face heats up and he doesn’t want to think about why exactly that happens because  _ they have other, more important things to focus on right now, Evan.  _ “But I kinda wanna kick some creepy stalker ass, you feel me?”

 

“I.. no, I don’t. I’m not touching you, and I’m not in your mind, I can not feel you, Connor.”

 

“Sometimes I forget you aren’t, like, human,” Connor says, then he looks around with wide eyes. “Right okay, I should probably watch what I say in public, I’m not trying to find myself a first class seat to the psych ward,” and he holds his hand up before Evan can ask what.. Any of that is. “I think we need to go home.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“Then let’s get going,” Connor rolls his eyes-- it’s in a more playful manner this time around, and he beckons Evan to follow him, so he does.

 

They’re both sort of speed walking back to Connor’s house, and about five minutes into their silent but oddly comfortable walk, Evan speaks up about the kid they encountered earlier on, because yes, he did need to take  _ that _ much time to figure out how the hell he was going to try and puts words to all of it.

 

“Do you think he looked familiar?”

 

“Hm?”

 

“The.. the creepy stalker kid from earlier, do you think he looked familiar?”

 

Connor stops, and Evan doesn’t walk into him this time because he was walking next to Connor instead of directly behind him, so, that’s a win. He looks at Evan for a long moment, and then his eyes widen, he can swear he even hears a muttered ‘oh shit’ come from him.

 

“Evan.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Is there any sort of like, thing that decides who an angel protects?”

 

“Probably,” he shrugs, then tilts his head up towards the sky.

 

The realization hits him like a  _ brick. _

 

“He looked like me.”

 

Connor nods, putting his hands on Evan’s shoulders and staring at him long and hard.

 

“Yeah, that’s.. Fuck, that’s creepy. I can’t believe I didn’t notice that before, fuck.”

 

“What does that mean?”

 

“Hell if I’m supposed to know,” he groans, running his hands through his hair, then he pauses abruptly, and he’s holding onto Evan again, but this time, when he stares at him, he sees this sort of.. Anger and distrust and he hasn’t even spoken yet but there’s no doubt in his mind that it’s aimed towards him and it hurts to think that he caused that for whatever reason.

 

“You’re that kid’s guardian angel.”

 

“No,” Evan shakes his head, because that’s not true. “I’m supposed to be.”

 

“Cut the shit,” Connor’s eyes narrow and he raises his voice, and right now Evan would appreciate the ability to just disappear into thin air please and thank you. “You’re his angel,” he repeats, louder this time. Evan shakes his head so quickly that it gives him a headache.

 

“I’m not, Connor, I guess I was supposed to but I really like spending time with you and he kind of makes me want to cry and I mean you make me want to cry right now but that’s completely reasonable because I’m kind of a crybaby so maybe that wasn’t the best comparison but I only saw him that once I promise.”

 

Connor stares at him, and Evan doesn’t say anything else because he’s half convinced that Connor will punch him if he does.

 

He’s pleasantly surprised when he realizes that the pure hatred and anger he saw in Connor’s eyes a moment ago has completely dissolved, the amount of relief he feels kind of makes him want to cry.

 

“You don’t know him?”

 

“Unless he’s like me, no.”

 

“Well, he’s not,” Connor points out, then pauses, “God, but maybe you are? I bet you that my angel practically pounced at the opportunity to die before me. Selfish bastard.”

 

“That’s not.. I don’t think that’s something we should joke about, Connor.”

 

“But what if he was like how you and that bitchy kid are and he was like, in no way, similar to me personality-wise?” Connor continues, completely ignoring Evan, then he laughs. “Holy shit, angels are just doppelgangers with wings.”

 

“What does that..” he trails off, then shakes his head, because, although he might be curious, it’s being overridden by exhaustion from everything. “Can we go home?”

 

“Right,” is all Connor says as he turns around and begins to walk.

 

“I don’t understand this angel thing,” Evan tells him, and Connor laughs again.

 

“Well shit, that makes two of us. Wanna take a few guesses as to why your creepier self knows more about you than you do?”

 

Evan blinks, then blinks again. He knows what Connor means, but the more he replays Connor’s words in his head, the more confused he becomes.

 

“I don’t know,” he finally says, “But I hope he leaves us alone, I don’t want anything bad happening to you because I’m the worst angel ever.”

 

“I don’t think that’s true,” Connor shakes his head. “You might be confused as fuck and lost all the time, but I think you’re good at your job. You saved me, after all.”

 

“Barely,” he counters.

 

“Oh shut up, you were stuck in a bear trap.”

 

“If I were stronger or smarter, I could’ve gotten out of there sooner.”

 

“I could’ve just, not been an asshole and actually bothered to help you.”

 

“But that’s not your job,” Evan sighs, and Connor opens his mouth to speak, but the door to the house opens. When did they even get there?

 

“Connor!” Cynthia exclaims, pulling Connor into a hug that’s so tight Evan’s pretty sure he hears Connor’s back pop. “And you brought..” she trails off, and the amount of confusion on her face is almost comedic, honestly.

 

Her next words are what takes away from the whole comedic effect that she had going on so fast that Evan swears he nearly passes out. “Evan, but you were just inside?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Update as of June 2nd because i'm noticing that people are still stumbling across this: I will absolutely be continuing this fic! I'll resume a normal posting schedule immediately after I finish writing my other fic! I found that trying to frequently update two separate fics was very exhausting and decided it was best to work on one at a time! :)) So yes, this will continue, yes, I plan to finish writing it! I'll see you then! :))


	14. Chapter 14

Evan frowns, and just kind of.. Stares at Cynthia with what has to be the most lost look in the history of lost looks. It takes a moment to click, takes a moment to figure out what that’s supposed to mean.

 

The moment it does, he swears he can feel his heart sort of plummet.

 

Oh.

 

Oh no.

 

This is not good.

 

This is kinda sorta really not good at all.

 

At least the timing was kind of good. He’s pretty sure that, if this happened before him and Connor had managed to sort of piece this together, before they managed to meet this other Evan (if that’s even his name), then he and Connor would have been very, very confused and lost.

 

Maybe Connor would have thought that Evan was this cruel being playing cruel tricks on him because that’s what mean people do, right? And if Evan was actually supposed to keep watch over secondary Evan, then maybe he would have managed to sort of.. Pressure Evan into it.

 

“I, uh, no?” Evan stammers out. He kind of feels like Connor just, awkwardly elbowed him to gently nudge him out of his thoughts, but it felt more like a mental nudge.

 

This is all so weird and kind of scary, but he doesn’t think he has much of a right to complain about it, not when he spent so much of his life-- existence? Just, existing. Nothing more, nothing less. Just this being with wings, alone and sad and confused.

 

Over here, he can do more than just exist.

 

Obviously, the entire universe is against that, but he’s been hit with this strange new wave of confidence and he kind of feels like he could take on the universe in some kind of epic battle and actually have a shot at winning.

 

He kind of wants to fight for this, even if the obstacles he’s having to face are.. Kind of frustrating.

 

Another mental nudge.

 

He looks at Cynthia and realizes she’s looking at him expectantly, and he can feel his confidence start to kind of falter-- if that's even possible at this point. He's not even sure what confidence is anymore.

 

"I, uh, what?" He stammers out, and then he turns to look over to Connor when he hears this sigh that is so full of disappointment that he has no idea whether or not it took place out loud or through the weird mental thing they've got going on because he's too focused on panicking because wow he really is a the world's biggest disappointment, huh?

 

"Mom? You alright?" Connor cuts in.

 

"Just confused is all," Cynthia responds, though she does look a little bit more confused.

 

"You sure?" Then Connor looks around, and Evan has no idea what's going on, he's positive he and Cynthia are sharing the same level of confusion right now, "Who are you talking to, then?"

 

"Your friend.." she trails off, gesturing in the direction of him, her face falling.

 

He really needs to figure out how this whole "controlling when people can see me" thing works, because he's pretty sure that Connor just willed him out of existence.

 

Okay, that's a little dramatic, but.

 

He willed him out of someone's existence.

 

Connor's head once again turns in the direction she gestured, and he just kind of, examines Evan in the process. It kind of makes him wish he could figure out how to pull the vanishing trick on himself right now.

 

"Evan?" Connor asks, and Cynthia nods, "You said he was already inside?"

 

She still seems lost, but she slowly seems to be coming to terms with the fact that maybe she was seeing things. Evan allows himself to relax.

 

"Yes, he said you two have a group project?"

 

"Right."

 

When Cynthia steps out of the way to finally let Connor (and, unknowingly, the suspected-to-be-fake-but-actually-kind-of-maybe-real Evan) he pauses, allowing Evan a second to sort of, sprint on inside.

 

It's more like a very awkward and short speed walk because he knows that he's not at all a very coordinated person, and he's trying to do this to rush and not make Connor look weird by standing there by the door but that plan's useless if he ends up  _ falling. _

 

When he gets inside, he knows he should wait for Connor, but for some reason, he's overwhelmed with something that makes him feel  _ very  _ anxious to the point where he honestly wouldn't be surprised if it ended up causing him to explode.

 

He's still not sure how the angel thing works, exploding is not something he's writing out as impossible just yet.

 

But he'd rather keep it in the "I'm not sure" section of things, please.

 

So he makes his way to the kitchen, and is greeted by himself.

 

He can see him, and he sort of smiles. Evan finds himself smiling back-- albeit, a little forced.

 

This other person reaches his hand out, and it takes a moment for his brain to catch up with him for him to realize that, oh, he wants a handshake.

 

And while he is terrifying, Evan would really appreciate this anxious feeling to go away and if that means shaking this guys hand then he'll do it.

 

So he shakes his hand, and suddenly is overwhelmed with dizziness. He kind of blacks out for a moment, and when he comes to after like, a millisecond, he doesn't feel the same.

 

"Evan?" Connor calls from the living room, and then his eyes narrow when they land on…

 

Him?

 

"And what the fuck do you think you're doing here?" Connor raises his voice, and Evan would have to be a fool to not notice his clenched fist, especially considering just how quickly he's raising it. "Where is he?"

 

"Connor-" he tries, stepping back from his seat on the table, and then proceeding to trip because feeling very not like his usual self is taking its toll on his ability to reach the bare minimum requirements of being a semi-functional human.

 

And just because he isn't one, doesn't mean he isn't similar. The only physical difference that stands out is the wings.

 

Wings.

 

That's what feels so different.

 

He doesn't have them.

 

He looks up at Connor in horror, who is now hovering over him. "Connor, it's, it's me?" He frowns, "I mean, I don't know, but, I'm me."

 

"Cut the bullshit."

 

"I'm not- it's, not, I'm," he can feel tears forming in his eyes, and he thinks he's shaking, too, "How can I prove it to you?"

 

"See, the thing is, the whole mental conversation I've been trying to have with you is going on right now and I'm not getting a response to any of that."

 

Evan can no doubtably feel his heart stop, "What? I- I don't, I can't hear that, I. Connor please just, you have to believe me--"

 

The anxious feeling he had from earlier has only managed to worsen.

 

And it feels so so so overwhelming until suddenly it's not.

 

He's got a pair of arms wrapped around him and he has decided that the only good thing about this very weird and unwelcome feeling is that this hug feels way better than the one they shared earlier.

 

He feels more solid. That's the word.

 

“You believe me?” he asks, trying not to pay too much mind to how his voice cracks, and how pathetically quiet his question ended up being.

 

“I think I do.”

 

“I’m sorry I- i don’t know what’s going on I just- I shook his hand and everything got a little weird and now I don’t feel like I usually do.”

 

“Do you think that’s like, a normal thing?”

 

Evan pauses, lets himself really think about it before he gives his answer.

 

He will never stop being thankful for just how patient Connor is with him, he doesn’t think he’ll ever manage to figure out what exactly he did to deserve it.

 

“I feel weird, but it doesn’t feel completely wrong,” is what he finally decides on saying.

 

Connor just kind of nods, then he grabs his arm and drags him upstairs into his room. Only when they’re inside and sort of scooted away from where the door’s supposed to be does he finally ask, “Do you think you can get out?”

 

“Get out?” he repeats, blinking, then feels his face heat up because, stupid question. “I don’t.. I can try?”

 

But as someone who has no idea what he’s doing and probably never will, he just kind of squeezes his eyes shut and tries to work his magic.

 

Nothing happens, and he’s broken out of whatever focus he’s managing to maintain when he hears Connor laughing.

 

“What’s so funny?”

 

“It’s-” then Connor shakes his head, “You know what? Nevermind, not getting into that. It’s been a little too chaotic for me to have the energy to spare for an explanation. Sorry.”

 

Evan makes a note to himself to not ask any questions for the rest of today and see if he can keep them in mind long enough to try for tomorrow, if it seems like he’s up for it. While he might live in a constant state of confusion, he’s more than willing to put up with it in order to avoid stressing Connor out more than he already manages to.

 

“Okay, so,” Connor starts, typing on his phone, “I have no idea what to call this, so I decided to go with searching how to get rid of like, demons or whatever, but somehow I doubt calling some priest over to yell at you like they do in movies is going to do anything.”   
  
Evan, apparently, is very bad when it comes to trying to follow the rules he has set for himself, because the next thing he blurts out is a question. “Do I have to go to his house now?”

 

“Shit dude, I don’t know. I’m like, just as clueless as you are.”

 

“I think I’m a little more lost.”   
  


“Pretty sure that’s impossible.”   
  
“But-”

 

“Okay, next idea,” Connor interrupts, “But you need to be okay with it, like, 100% okay with it.”   
  


“I don’t want to leave you,” he blurts out, “I’m okay with whatever you need to try.”

 

“I say that, I punch you and it not only hurts him, but it kicks you out of there.”

 

“I think it’d hurt me too,” Evan informs him, but he shrugs, “Go for it.”

 

He doesn’t imagine Connor’s hesitance, Evan’s sure of that.

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Okay,” Connor frowns, “Three, two..”

 

And when he gets to one, there’s no mistaking the pain that he feels. Most notably, his nose stings the most.

 

Everything gets a little weird again, and he kind of wants to laugh at the realization that Connor’s silly plan had actually ended up working, but he can’t because he’s still in.. a lot of pain, wow.

 

When he looks over to the uh, other Evan? (he has yet to come up with another name for him) he sees that he doesn’t look injured at all.

 

Other Evan laughs, “You two really are clueless, aren’t you?”

 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Connor snarls, but when he looks over at Evan, his face kind of softens. He looks relieved.

 

“Your angel isn’t yours,” he rolls his eyes, “That’s mine, and it was just showcasing what it should actually be doing before you interrupted us.”   
  
“ _ It _ ?” Connor practically spits out, “You’re calling him an  _ it? _ Get the fuck out.”   
  


He just kind of laughs, then makes his way towards Evan again, only to be stopped by Connor again, who wastes no time in punching him.

 

And yeah, Evan would be all for it if  _ he  _ wasn’t the one who was feeling the pain. He tries to keep himself from crying.

 

“See? Doing its job,” he grins, then pokes Connor’s chest, “You, Connor Murphy, are not capable of being saved.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Just here to give you a short update and remind you that this is on a little break until I finish my other fic because, trying to update two at once was really stressing me out! But! Yes, I will be finishing this, I haven't forgotten about it.


	15. Chapter 15

__

Evan feels dizzy, too dizzy to have to try and figure out just what other.. (original??) Evan might mean. He squeezes his eyes shut, leaning against the wall.

“What just happened?” Connor asks, putting his hands on Evan’s shoulders.

He pushes them away, because suddenly physical contact is just a little too much right now.

He feels… weird. He doesn’t feel real.

Maybe he isn’t.

He eyes the doorway, shuts his eyes tightly, back pressing against the wall as he slides down it, rubbing at his head profusely as if it’s somehow going to keep his head from feeling so fuzzy. If someone had told him that tissue or cotton had been put there in place of his brain, he’d have no choice but to believe them.

He looks at the door.

It doesn’t register that he’s standing and heading towards it until it disappears from his sight, Connor standing in the way of it.

_ He needs to find him. He needs to.. He’s too far. Too far and it hurts. _

There’s something touching his shoulder, and it makes the area feel like static.

Then he’s being moved-- someone’s shaking him.

“Evan? Hey, what the fuck? Can you hear me? What happened??”

Huh.

Was Connor talking the whole time?

“I don’t..” he trails off. Even his own voice doesn’t sound right in his ears.

“Are you okay?”

There’s a ringing in his ears-- but not one continuous sound, no. Like the ringing of a cell phone. Then, a voice. A feminine voice that sounds very familiar.

_ “Evan? Did you get it?” _

_ “Sort of? Just for a second, but I felt..” _

“Whole,” Evan finishes.

That’s it. That’s the word-- the feeling.

It was weird, but it felt right. It felt like home.

Which is.. Actually, that might be rude. He feels at home with Connor too, and he doesn’t want to leave him but there’s a sense of hopelessness that’s filling him with moment, with each step that.. The other Evan takes. It feels right. And maybe it is.

How else is he supposed to explain the two of them being lookalikes? Not only that, but sharing the same name and..

Everything but their personalities are the same.

He frowns, then looks up at Connor, who looks like he’s been trying to talk to a wall-- arms crossed, lips downturned into a frown. His eyes, however, are full of concern, and maybe that’s why Connor hasn’t just decided to walk away yet.

“Can we try that?” He asks, wincing as his voice comes out louder than he had originally anticipated.

He doesn’t know what he did to deserve Connor’s kindness, because he doesn’t say anything about it, but maybe that’s because he’s more focused on portraying one of the most confused expressions that Evan’s ever seen-- which, isn’t saying much but, still. He’s positive it’d still maintain that title even if he’d seen all the confused expressions that the world had to offer.

“Try what?”

Connor’s voice is a little too loud for his liking too, but he’s not sure that it’s just a case of Connor being a little loud or everything just being a little too much right now.

“The..thing,” he tries, frowning. Great. Perfect. 10/10 explanation Evan. Please never fucking use that again because all he’s doing is wasting Connor’s time.

“The thing?” Connor repeats, his voice softer than before, but still leaking with confusion.

“Yes! The.. the thing! The thing he did with-”

“What would you even call that?” Connor wonders aloud.

“I don’t know,” Evan huffs, “That’s why I’m calling it ‘the thing!’”

“You wanna try that? Who’s to say he hadn’t just.. Sold his soul to some witch or Satan himself to do that and now you’re going crazy-”

“I’m not!” he interrupts with a frown. He doesn’t like that word. It somehow manages to make him feel more isolated from this wold than he already knows he is. “It felt  _ normal.  _ If I’m supposed to be your angel, maybe that’s how it works.”

Connor just. Stares at him. Evan, meanwhile, shuffles on his feet, eyes bouncing wildly around the room, ranging from the floor back to Connor than to the bowl full of fruit set on the table and back to Connor again. It’s a surprise the room hasn’t started spinning with his eyes all around the room like some kid who got a hold of too much caffeine.

He feels weird moving this much. Is that acceptable? Is he being annoying-- or, more annoying than he typically is? Yeah, definitely. It’s probably extremely rude to bounce around and not even be able to do so much as maintain eye contact for longer than a second and he should stop that because he’s already confused and frustrated Connor enough as it is so he just. Stops moving altogether, staring down at his feet for only a second before he has to clench his eyes shut because there’s absolutely no way he’s ever going to be able to manage trying the eye contact thing  _ and  _ staying still at once but that’s okay, right? Connor has to understand that Evan’s at least trying and that’s enough as it is, right??

Except, maybe him trying isn’t enough, because him trying in the first place is what ended up dragging Connor into this mess in the first place.

“Are you okay? You look like you’re on the verge of explosion.”

“I? No, it’s- just, you were giving me this look and it kind of made me want to run away and cry but I couldn’t move so I started bouncing and then I realized that my eyes were just everywhere and it was kind of annoying for me to focus and the bouncing felt excessive and very childish so I just- I stopped and then realized it was a bad idea but it’d be like, super weird to just start doing it again and I don’t know if not making eye contact or bouncing all over the place is worse but the bouncing thing was the most obvious thing so I decided that was the easiest thing to just go with but that would’ve been a really, really bad idea either way because it was just.. Yeah.”

Connor frowns, and Evan braces himself for him to finally express just how tired he is of Evan and his rambling when he simply holds up his hand.

“You shouldn’t have to worry about that, you know? I’m not about to start screaming at you for feeling nervous, or else I would’ve dropkicked you to the other side of the planet,” he tries to joke. It falls flat. “Point is. It’s okay. I was just thinking.”

“But what if I was being disruptive towards your thinking?”

He rolls his eyes, “Dude. You’re fine. I promise.”

“I. Right. Okay. Sorry.”

“So, you want to try that weird thing that kid did that I’m still 120% sure was some witchcraft bullshit?”

Evan laughs, but it’s quick to fade out. “I don’t know how to do it, all he did was.. Touch me?”

“I call bullshit.”

“Well, you’re wrong. He just reached out and..” he trails off, placing a hand on Connor’s shoulder.

Nothing happens.

Connor rests his hand on Evan’s shoulder, too.

Nothing happens.

Then they stare at each other, and it’s a kind of stare that Evan doesn’t think he could bring himself to break even if he wanted to.

Absentmindedly, he notes how Connor’s face is closer to his.

Until suddenly, it’s not.

It’s the same sensation from before, but, also, it’s so far from it.

“Holy shit,” Connor says. “Yeah. That kid had to have sacrificed like, a bare minimum of twelve goats to even get the idea of doing this.”

Evan barely has time to respond before he feels a sensation of being  _ shoved,  _ and then Connor frowns and rubs at his head.

“You think the other guy had a bitch of a headache going on too?”

Evan tries to laugh. Keyword being  _ tries.  _ That doesn’t work.

So, he tries to just, speak or respond or whatever and finds that he can’t.

There’s another shoving sensation, and then another that’s so violent it sends him falling directly onto the table and causing the vase that’s set on top to fall, roll slowly off the table, and then hit the floor with a sound so loud you’d think someone had decided to throw it instead of it rolling off in a delicate and almost calming manner.

He looks back at Connor, who looks kind of dazed.

“Are you okay?” He asks, voice quiet, as if he can somehow manage to cause more commotion than he already has by being any louder.

"Headache," Connor responds.

Evan nods, mostly to himself while he takes tiny steps over to the pile of glass.

Having Connor pick it up would be rude, because this is his mess, and he there's no way he wouldn't cry if he ended up finding out about someone else having to clean it up after getting a shard or two stuck in their foot.

He also feels like maybe asking where to find something to pick it up with is a little too much now so he just.. uses his hands and hopes for the best.

"You are such a dumbass, holy shit."

"Oh- I," Evan's heart kind of sinks at that. "I know. It wasn't.. it was very stupid and dumb to not even try catching this before it hit the floor? Or knocking it over in the first place? I'm sorry, I know you'll probably get in trouble and if that makes you mad at me then I'm okay with that-- well, actually. I'm not okay with that? Because that'd make me feel terrible but uh, it's okay and I'd understand? But, the least I can do to help out is to clean up this mess I made, so…"

"First of all," Connor starts with a snort, "You're fine. I don't give a shit about that vase and even if Cynthia's always talking about how much she loves it, I'm sure she'd forget it was even there in the first place. Second of all, I called you a dumbass because you're picking up glass with your  _ bare hands,  _ what the fuck?"

"Well, I just. You said you had a headache and I just thought that, maybe asking questions would make it worse? I'm okay with picking up the glass, really-"

"Nope," Connor interrupts. "And yeah, you're right. Whatever the fuck that was is a real pain in the ass. So, I'll go take an Aleve and then come back with gloves, sound good?"

"I don't need gloves," he starts.

"Evan, I swear to fucking god, I will riot if I catch you trying to pick up glass without gloves." 

Evan holds his hands up in mock defense, and Connor glares at him in a way that has him cracking even after he's left the kitchen.

He leans his head back and tries to think through what went wrong, tries to think about what was different.

Well, the shoving sensation stands out the most, that's for sure.

Not being able to do anything wasn't very fun either, considering he was able to do that just fine the other time.

But, he thinks what's most important about it is that it didn't feel right. It didn't feel normal, it felt like he was intruding on something, like he was shoving himself into an already overcrowded room.

When Connor comes back, he reaches for the gloves in his hands, which as quickly pulled back and out of his reach.

"I can clean it."

"What? No, that's not.. that's not fair at all. I broke the vase, I can clean it up."

"Yeah, but I have the gloves."

"You have a headache!"

"I do, and you know what would help make it go away?"

"What?"

"Letting me clean the glass up," he grins, "Also. A nap. I think I need to pass out for  _ at least _ a solid sixteen hours."

"How does cleaning glass have anything to do with a headache??"

"It doesn't."

"Then let me-"

"Too late!" Connor announces, grinning triumphantly as he deposits the glass into the garbage. "I already cleaned it up. Better luck next time though, right?"

"I don't see how that was fair."

"It wasn't, but anyway," Connor continues, "Did you want to try that thing again before I take the world's longest nap?"

"I.." he hesitates, before he finally shakes his head. "I don't think I want to."

He hears Connor breath a sigh of relief, "Oh thank fuck. I don't know what it was like for the other guy, but that was the worst thing I've ever felt. Ever."

"Sorry."

"No, it's fine. Was it weird for you too?"

"It was.. different," he shrugs, deciding that he should hold off on the shoving portion of the story for later. He doesn't want to get in the way of Connor's much needed rest. "I don't think I have the words to describe it just yet?"

That's a lie. A total blatant lie. And he absolutely 100% feels very guilty about it, but he'll make up for it soon. It's just a temporary white lie that's probably not even that big of a deal. Maybe Evan was imagining it, or just reading too much into it.

"Alright, gameplan: you figure out how you want to do that while I try to figure out how to put myself in a self-induced coma, and then when my head stops feeling like it's trying to rip itself in half, we can try and figure this out, sound good?" Connor asks, holding out his hand.

"Please don't put yourself in a coma."

"It was a  _ joke _ ."

"Promise?"

"I promise."

Evan takes Connor's hand in his, "Deal."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd say sorry for how long it took to update this, but I'm not? I feel like the break was much needed for me and now I want to try and very slowly get this back on a semi regular update schedule.


End file.
